The Big Secret

Baby

"What?" For a split second Conor looked sober. "You cant be!" He ran his hands through his hair. "Conor" my voice was barely audible but it stopped him pacing around. "Whose the father?" His eyes pierced my skin and his voice got louder. I shook my head but he kept repeating the question. "that doesn't matter he doesnt want anything to do with it" he frowned. "So you're keeping it?" I nodded slowly. The more I talked about it the more real it felt. Dread filled my body, how am I going to do it?

"Your career? Your dream? You're going to throw it away just for a one night stand?" I stayed silent, he was right. Why would I do this? "Erin what the hell are you thinking? You cant raise it on your own! You cant look after yourself" i can look after myself I choose not too. He started pacing again and I looked down at my hands as I rested them on my stomach. Is he right? "How could you be so stupid Erin? So irresponsible" I dont know ask you're married coach's son, who didn't tell me he was married. I wanted to scream back at him but I didn't have the energy. So far the only person whose been supportive  was Luke.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and hovered over Luke's name. I was tempted to call him, but I think that would add fuel to the fire. But he was the only one that's made me smile today. I felt like I was being lectured by my dad. He kept going on about how I never suffer the consequences of my irrational behaviour because he picks up the pieces. I'm pretty sure his ranting, pacing and lecturing is helping him sober up.

"I've just confessed my love to you and now I find out you're having another man's baby?" "You're the only person I want and I'm the only person you dont want" "Conor it's not like that! It was an accident" he stopped and looked me dead in the eye. Then burst out laughing "what did he do? Trip and fall in?" I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. Even when he was angry he could make me smile.

"Erin you shouldnt raise this baby, you wouldn't be able to do it on your own and then you can go chase your dream. You should wait a few years. Get your career further along then settle down then. You're forcing yourself to settle now it's too soon. You're too young, you're not ready" I scrunched up my face. His words made sense but I didnt think I would be on my own with this one.

"So you're not going to stick by me on this one?" I whispered dreading the answer. "How can I?" His feet appeared in front of mine. "How would you react if it was the other way round?" I shrugged. I daredn't look up at him. "Erin, I will stick by you no matter what. But this is one thing I can't do" I really thought I could rely on him.

"Let me think about it, I havent got my head round it myself. But I can not go through with an abortion" he held my hands. "Erin look at me" I slowly lifted my head. "If this is what you really want, this is one thing I can't stick by you on" I'm hoping he would start laughing about now. "I'm going to need some space, I love you Erin, I just need to figure something's out in my own head" I nodded and he let go of my hands.

"you'll have to move out though" my mouth formed an 'O' and I wanted to run and cry. But all I did was nod "I'll move back here permanently" he looked hurt.

"I fell so hard for you a long time ago and I can't raise another mans baby with you" "I didn't ask you too Conor, I will do this with or without you" he looked shocked at my words. My eyes started to sting, maybe not having this baby is the right decision. He's not sticking by me now, never mind when he finds out who the father is.

"I'm going back to Ireland tomorrow, think it's best you stay here" his words cut me like a knife. "Are you serious? All because I dont want to be with you?" He walked back in to the kitchen. "Conor, your true colours are showing. Get out of my house" I screamed.

"What so you can invite another rugby boy home?" He grabbed his coat and stormed straight past me. Slamming the door on the way out. As soon as that door shut, I felt weak. My legs gave way and i found myself curled in a ball on the floor.

The voices outside got louder, I couldnt hear what was being said. But I can only imagine its Conor shouting to who ever would listen. There's no stopping him when hes in this mood. I didnt recognise the voice that Conor was talking to. Conor's never walked out on me, no matter what I did. Has this made me loose him completely?

The tears wouldnt stop and I didnt even have the energy to get up. One night and my worlds come crashing down! The door swung open and I shut my eyes hoping it wouldn't be Conor.

"What you doing on the floor?" My mum paused, a wave of relief came over me and I found the energy to get up and wrap my arms around her.

"What's the matter? You should be happy!" I stepped back faced her "You and Conor are going to be parents! He's told me your pregnant. Were going to be grandparents" my mum and Dad shared a massive grin; guess he didnt tell you the full story. "He's gone to get some air, he's very overwhelmed and drunk" My dad hugged me "I'm so glad you two sorted your differences out" but my body was frozen.

How am I going to tell them it's not Conor's?