The Big Secret

Always Have

"Erin, we're home" Conor tried to wake me up. As I stirred my body was moved. "Conor, stop" I slurred as he "shh" my eyes were too heavy to open. Conors arms were wrapped around me. How can he even still carry me?

I kept telling Conor to put me down but I didn't have the energy to fight. "Go back to sleep. I'm going to get mum her flight was delayed" Conor whispered as he put me down.

My eyes scanned the room. My old bedroom. Why does my bed smell like Conor? My phone buzzed, Luke. We are coming over tomorrow, so coffee?
It only took one ring for Luke to pick up.
L: hey what do I owe this pleasure?
E: just missing my goofy bestie
L: what have you done?
E: nothing
Why does he always presume I've done something? I couldnt help but laugh at him
E: I'm at Conors
L: what? Why? How?
E: if you're coming over early fancy coming round?
L: Conor probably won't like it but yes! Erin what's wrong?
E: nothing
My voice broke and I could feel another breakdown creeping up.
L: Erin don't lie to me
How does he know when I'm lying?

As soon as he said that, all my emotions consumed my body and next thing I know I was having a breakdown to Luke.
L: Erin calm down, I'll be there as soon as I can
With that he hung up the phone.

Why has Owen messaged me again?
I'm so sorry I can't be there. But if you ever need I'm only one call away. Just get them feet up and rest! One day baby we won't have to keep this a secret.

I quickly deleted the message, what is going through this guys head? I'm tempted to block him on everything but that wouldn't be fair if he ever wanted to own up to his mistake.

Comfy pajamas it is, some of my stuff has been moved. That's weird, even my journal from years ago. So Conors been reading that? Great!

I flicked through the journal. My life plan? I couldnt help but laugh at 13 year old me.
I have the biggest crush on Conor, but he's my best friend and I highly doubt he would have a crush on me. When we grow up we can get married and have lots of babies!
I want two boys and two girls. I would call them; Elijah-Owen, Theo-James, Grace-May and Darcy-Elizabeth.

My heart skipped a beat, they were the names I always loved. But Owen? As much as I loved that name I could never use it now, or maybe I could? The baby would never be a Farrell by name so it could have Owen instead?

I carried on reading, 13 year old me had their life planned out. From playing rugby for Ireland to living with Conor. I'm not completely far off where I want to be I suppose.

"Erin, honey" "mum?" I must have fell asleep again while reading, I could still feel the journal in my hand. "Erin, I'm so sorry" she wrapped her arms around me as I sat up. Leaving me looking at a very emotionless Conor over her shoulder.

"These things happen, I know it's hard, but we've got to focus on that one now. So do what the doctors say and I can be here as long as you need"  my body still felt weak. "I'll go cook something, you need to eat" I just nodded at my mum as she looked at me with sympathetic eyes. As soon as I nodded she was out the room and down the stairs.

Conor turned to walk "Conor, can we talk?" He nodded and sat at the end of the bed. No words were said for a few seconds as our eye contact remained unbroken. I could see a little smile form on his face. "I've missed you" he whispered. "I've missed you too" I couldn't help but mirror this smile.

My phone rang, Luke again. "Hey, what's Conor's address?" Conor  clearly heard Luke and his smile disappeared. "I'll text it you" "okay be there soon" as soon as he hung up, Conor asked every question possible, even asked me if Luke was the father?

"I met him at that game!" I emphasised but Conor wasn't convinced. "Conor, he didn't walk out the way you did, he stuck by me and made sure I was ok" he had no reply to that one.

"Erin, I'm not arguing with you. I love you and I will love that baby. I will be the father figure it needs" "Conor this baby doesn't have a father" he just sighed at me and carried on his speech. "I'm not throwing our life and memories away because of the baby. Yes I over reacted, but i don't know how many times i can tell you about my feelings" he buried his head in his hands.

I held his hands pulling them away from his face. "Conor, right now all I need is my best friend back. I need to focus on me and my baby. I can't have you and your over protective feelings messing with it" I could see the tears forming in his eyes.

"Conor, it will be ok, I will be fine" at this point I don't know if I'm convincing him or myself. "Just tell me who" his voice was barely audible. "It doesn't matter who" I shut my eyes. The thought of Owen running through my head.

"Erin, why are you hiding it?" He sounded irritated. Maybe because you would hate me even more? "Because it doesn't matter Conor, he made his choice" as soon as I said that the tears started again. Why am I so emotional?

"It's okay, you've got me" he wrapped his arms around me. "As long as we get the baby into rugby" I couldnt help but laugh "did you expect anything less?" I pulled out of his grip and faced him. For the first time today I felt relieved and it was the first genuine smile.

"I love you and always have"