The World Never Wanted Me •Frerard•

Five: With a Scream Inside my Lungs

Okay, so I'm really excited to write more of this story. Lucky for me, I have a whole week of Spring Break to update.

I guess it's also lucky for the 85 or so people who've read this story.

The picture has nothing to do with the chapter. I just thought Ray looked really badass in it.

So...yeah.

--------------------

*Trigger Warning*

Chapter Five

I slammed the door to the basement and ran down the stairs to my room. My head was spinning wildly as part of me tried to convince myself to not do what I knew I was bound to.

I rushed across my bedroom, removing my lighter and dropping my bag on my bed hurriedly before retreating to my bathroom. I locked the door, my hands sweating with anticipation. I sat down on the floor as I fumbled with the lighter, struggling to start up the addictive substance that I craved so badly.

"Come on," I whined, continuously flicking the lighter. Soon, the small object clicked and the flame sprung to life. I sighed in relief and gazed at the small fire for a moment before lifting up my sleeve and pressing it briefly to my arm. I hissed in pain and satisfaction and lowered it once more to the same section before moving further up.

"You don't like him," I muttered aloud, "You don't like anyone and you won't. Ever."

I contiuously murmered things like this to myself whilst watching the warm blood start to drip from the burn wounds. I smiled in an odd way, feeling satisfied as I watched the blood prick from the surface of the mark and begin falling down my small bicep. I knew it would leave a nasty scar, but it was a nice reminder that I wasn't allowed to like people. It would help me remember to steer clear of Frank.

I decided I should probably leave a few more reminders. "Maybe on my legs," I pondered to myself. "That way, every day whe I'm getting dressed, I'll look down and be reminded of the rules."

"Excellent idea," I murmered to myself. I watched as the flickering flame was lowered to my thigh, the pain spreading like a wildfire throughout my body. I could feel the electrical energy carrying a message to my brain each time the hot substance made contact with my skin.

My body was telling me to stop, but my mind was telling me that it was only logical. The blood began dripping on to the cold tile of my bathroom. I sighed as I remembered it was I who would have to clean it. It was better than trying to get the blood out of my sheets though. That was damn near impossible.

When I was younger, I would use a small, silver blade to inflict pain upon myself; it was no where near satisfying. The blood only barely leaked out and the pain was moderate. The first time I burned, I cried myself to sleep, thinking only of how excrutiating it had been. I never recovered, but somehow, became addicted to the sensation of the burn of the flame and the warmth of the blood.

I stood up from the floor, all thoughts of Frank pushed to the back of my mind. I looked in the mirror, taking in my appearance: My hair was as greasy as ever, and my skin a bit paler than normal. My eyes were slightly wider and more focused, as if burning had made me more alive and aware. The blood was still running, now dripping off my fingertips. I stared for a minute before pressing a small towel to my injuries, soaking up the dark red substance.

My smile faded as I began to wonder what my mom would say if she knew. Tears pricked my eyes as I thought about how much it would hurt her. I didn't want to make her unhappy, but I couldn't rid myself of the lighter. I needed it.

I wiped my eyes and threw the towel in my hamper where it would most likely remain for at least a month. I then unlocked the door and exited the small bathroom.

My room was dark, and posters from various horror movies were plastered on the wall. I had a small desk in the corner where my drawings resided. I removed my sketchbook from my bag and set it on the desk that was illuminated with a small table lamp.

I flipped open the sketchbook, suddenly realizing something. I ran through the pages quickly, searching for the drawing I had done that morning. I found it and stared at it with tears once again springing to my eyes.

I finally realized what I had drawn: it was Frank on the night of the concert. His hair fell perfectly over his eyes, which were closed, and
his hands gripped his guitar. Just from memory, I had captured Frank's a exact pose from the previous night.

I angrily slammed the sketchbook shut. "No," I scolded myself. "Stop."

I attempted to distract myself by popping "My Fair Lady" into the DVD player and switching on the TV. I tried to focus on Audrey's beautiful singing voice and gorgeous figure, but ended up sneaking repeated glances at my sketchbook.

I picked myself off from my bed and snatched the sketchbook from my desk, casting it into the corner of my room where it collided with my wall. Papers spilled everywhere.

I sighed and returned to the movie.

I watched Audrey grow increasingly upset as she attempted to sound out her syllables the way she had been told. I felt sympathy towards her and soon found that it could be applied to my situation as well.

Why did I have to listen to what I was told by my own mind? Why did it have to be in control?

"Why can't I like Frank?" I asked myself.

"Because," myself sneered back. "you're just an annoying fat kid. Frank deserves better."

"Y-You're right," I stammered. I felt my veins flood with sorrow. I really was just a little fat kid who talked to himself and couldn't go a day without almost setting himself on fire. Frank would surely find someone else.

I whimpered and switched the TV off. I pulled up the covers and buried myself underneath them.

"Maybe I'll suffocate," I mused to myself. I knew I wouldn't, but when I was a kid I had always worried that I would. I chuckled at how foolish kids could be and tucked the covers under my sides.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I remembered that tomorrow was Saturday. I wouldn't have to suffer through school, and I wouldn't have to see Frank.

I could still feel the sting of the burns on my limbs when finally, my eyes closed and I fell asleep.

-------------------

Sorry this ones kinda short. I'll try to update soon, thanks for reading.

xomikes

HP