The Haunting of Aspen Bleu

5

Dear Aspen,

The day you died, I heard a thousand words. "It wasn't your fault." "She loved you." "I'm sorry for your loss." Everyone spoke to me. I only wanted to hear you. I needed to hear you. But I can't.

Because you are dead and I killed you. It was my fault. And nobody can tell me otherwise.

You died. You are dead. You. Are. Dead.

              Sirius Black

2 WEEKS LATER
ASPEN BLEU

I love the library. It's quiet and there's so many books. I've been at Hogwarts for nearly 7 years and I haven't read even a third of the books there. I reckon I'll never finish them all but it would be so wonderful if somehow I did. I was sitting in the library with the boys and we were studying for a charms test. Sirius was sitting across from the window and the way the light clashed with his dark hair was incredibly distracting. Then I felt a nudge and Remus passed me a note.

your staring at loverboy again

I looked up at him and he smirked. I rolled my eyes and he chuckled. "What's so funny?" Sirius asked. "Nothing." I said quickly. He gave me a strange look and then he saw the note. "Passing notes without us?" he teased. "It's not-" I started. Then Sirius snatched the paper and I reached for it. He pulled away and laughed. "Come on, I want in on the joke" he said. "Sirius, don't" Remus said. Then he opened the stupid fucking note. He read it and he laughed. "Staring at me again?" he teased. My cheeks burned and I grabbed the note. "No," I snapped. "Good, how many girls do I have to shag before you realize I'm not into you?" he said with a laugh. Remember how I said when Siris says stuff like that, it doesn't hurt because I know he doesn't mean it? I lied...this hurt. Remus, James and Peter all froze and looked at me. My heart stopped and my veins turned to ice. My eyes watered and I began to pack my stuff. "Pen-" James said. I looked at Sirius and his smile faded. "Don't worry, message received." I snapped.
Then I left.

"Pen, wait!" James said as he chased after me. I kept walking. "Penny!" he called again. "Aspen Bleu, stop!" he yelled. I froze in my tracks and looked around as other students watched us. James jogged over and grabbed my hand. He pulled me into an empty classroom and shut the door. "He didn't mean that, Pen." he said. I just stared out the window. "I don't care." I said. "I know you do," he said. "No! I don't. I'm so sick of loving someone who doesn't love me back." I said. "He does love you. And you know that. He's just being-" he started. "A coward. He's being a coward. He's so afraid to commit and to trust me that he'd rather just pretend." I said. "I know it's hard but-" he started. "No, you don't know. You got the girl, James. You got Lily. She loves you back. I thought- I knew Sirius loved me so I was going to wait. For him. But I'm done. I can't keep doing this." I said. I started to leave when James grabbed my elbow. "If you give up, you'll regret it." he said. I shook my head calmly. "I'm not the one who will have regrets." I said.

SIRIUS BLACK
"You screwed up badly, mate," James said to me. James, Remus, Peter and I all sat throughout the common room and were talking. "How could you say that to her?" Remus asked. "Fuck!" I yelled as I stood up and kicked the sofa. "I don't know. I fucked up, ok?" I snapped. "Yeah, no shit." Peter mumbled. "Why don't you just tell her how you actually feel?" Remus asked. I sat down and buried my face in my palms. I felt the couch shift and I looked up to see James sitting next to me. "She won't hurt you." he said quietly. "Why does everyone think I'm some fragile little baby who will break if someone says boo?!" I shouted. "We are just looking out for you." James said. "Well, don't!" I snapped. "You don't mean-" Remus started. Then the portrait opened. We all turned and I saw her. Aspen walked in and everything went quiet. She looked different. Shaky.

"Guys, I need- I got-can you help-" she started. "Fucking hell, I can't do this right now." I snapped. I stood up and started to leave. Peter quickly followed and then James and Remus exchanged looks. "Guys, I don't feel-" she started. "Not now Aspen. We'll help you in a little bit." James said. "Just wait here. We'll be back in a second " Remus said. Then we all went to our dorm and shut the door.

ASPEN BLEU
I exhaled a shaky breath as I watched them walk up the stairs. They'll be back. They always come back. I limped over to the couch and sat down. The sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen was overwhelming. There was a thin sheen layer of sweat covering my body and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I managed to wipe the blood from my lips and now tears just remained on my face. I just sat by the fire and read my book. They'll be back. They always come back.

I listened to the sound of the rain and tried to read but I couldn't focus. I felt pain. My head grew fuzzy and something wasn't right. I couldn't breathe and I was so cold. They'll be back, They always come back. But they didn't.

I tried to stand and the world spun. I felt my fall and I hit the floor. "Sirius!" I called out. Nothing. I laid on my side and tried to move but I couldn't. My breathing was weak and shallow. I could hear a squelching noise coming from my chest, like the sound of gurgling blood. Then I coughed more blood. The thick blood oozed from my mouth and down my chin. Then I felt hazy. "Sirius," I said. Tears spilled down the sides of my face and I looked to the side. My vision blurred and my teeth chattered. I was shaking and the pain in my stomach grew worse and worse. I was scared. And alone.

I don't want to die alone.

But I did.