Some Things Cannot Be Fixed, They Can Only Be Carried

Chapter 8) Challenges; We'll Be Facing Lots Of Them

"I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing, I know there's no replacing what we've lost."

- Lin-Manuel Miranda

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November 17th 2013

Happy birthday.

Happy has become a big word, a feeling I don't feel an awful lot. But still, everyone I come across wishes me a happy birthday, and I manage to receive them with a wide smile.

I'm turning eighteen today, I should be happy, right?

That's why I tried to be happy; because I could sleep at my old home one more night. And because I was allowed to walk down the stairs, at nine in the morning, still wearing my pajamas. And because there was a massive amount of birthday cards lying on our doormat, all of them adressed to me.

I was welcomed by the smell of chocolate milk and pancakes when I walked into the dining room, and Ren and Ran both came running at me, singing loudly, to give me a happy birthday hug.

I smiled, I smiled for real even. But even when I'm sitting at the breakfast table surrounded by a ton of presents and with a stack of pancakes on my plate, something's missing.

And the worst thing is that I know exactly what, or rather who, is missing. Unlike every other birthday I celebrated from the day I turned three, Haruka's not here sitting at the breakfast table today. He'd always stay over the night before, and he'd eat breakfast with our family, and he'd bring presents too and even though it was my birthday, mom and I always gave him a gift as well.

I look to my left, the spot that was taken by Haruka each birthday. I miss not having him here, silently chewing on whatever birthday breakfast mom choose to make.

I'm not the only one who's missing Haruka's today. Ren and Ran, who've grown up with Haruka being at our house at my birthday, also notice the difference almost right away.

"When is Haruka's coming over again?" Ren asks when everyone's sat down at the table.

Ran nods, swallowing her piece of pancake before saying, "Yeah, we haven't seen him for so long. Are you fighting or something?"

I glare down at my plate, suddenly not at all hungry anymore. "Not really." I wish it was something as simple as a fight. Something can easily be reversed by talking about it, but that's not the case.

"Okay," Ran says, exhaling in a relieved way. "So then, when will Haruka come over again?"

I shrug. "Not any time soon."

Mom's hand taps my leg from underneath the table, and when I look up at her I can see it in her eyes; she thinks it time to tell the twins. That they have to know why Haruka hasn't been here for a couple of months. While previously he'd be over at least twice or thrice a week.

She puts down her cutlery and takes a deep breath. "We actually wanted to talk with you about it."

Ren and Ran both look up, their eyes curious yet a little afraid when they ask, "About what?"

"Haruka," mom continues. "He hasn't been over in a while, because Haruka's—"

"Got the flu!" I interrupt her; I don't want to talk about it, not on my birthday, not now. I might not be able to have a very happy birthday considering that I'm officially moving into the new house with Haruka later today, but I at least want Ren and Ran to think that I'm having a good day. "Haruka's been feeling really sick and nauseous for a couple of days now, and we don't want you to catch what he has," I lie, trying to sound convincing. "I'm heading over to see how he's doing later today, but he's not coming over until he's feeling better."