Focus

Take 2 Advil And A New Dignity

When I finally come to, my eyes focus in and out on the scene in front of me. I'm outside Clark's apartment complex, sitting in the back of an EMS van, wrapped up in a blanket. The doors are open to let in fresh air, thank goodness, and I can barely see the outline of Brandon's head as he's bent over a police car, getting handcuffed. As far as I can tell almost everyone is gone, but a small crowd is still gathered around the police car, watching in horror, with whispers of, "That poor girl! What was her name?" and "I can't believe he would do something like that." A dry heave racks my body, and I let out a scream. Tears don't come to my eyes. I can't cry. So I sit there, shaking and wailing, on the verge of throwing up. I don't understand how this could've happened to me. I'm not desirable. Why would he drug me? That kid has got to be ten shades of messed up and desparate if he has to slip a high school girl a roofie just to get sex. My shaking turns to uncontrollable trembling. I slouch against the side of the truck and squeeze my eyes shut. Fear consumes me. Out of the hundreds of things that could've happened at that party, I never expected that being drugged and felt up by a pervert would be one of them. He was so nice. So normal. A friend. Someone new, a result of the only time this year I've ever tried to have fun. My body feels dirty. I can still feel his lips trailing across my skin, and even though the drugs are out of my system for the most part, I feel trapped and immobile. Shuddering, I pull the blanket around me tightly. I glance up again and catch a glimpse of his face through the police car window. His expression is blank. No anger, no embarassment, no sorrow, just devoid of emotion. Almost bored.

Fury that I have never felt before creeps down my spine. I can physically feel my blood start to boil. He isn't even sorry. Or scared. Or sympathetic. Somehow the strength returns to my bones and I slip off the edge of the truck onto the ground. The EMS is parked on the opposite side of the street, so no one notices as I start running towards him. It begins as a fast paced walk, and as my anger builds up, I start sprinting towards the cop car. The window on his side is rolled down. Good. I let out the loudest scream I can muster and lunge through the window, wrapping my hands around his neck. Brandon looks up at me in shock. He struggles to pull my hands off of him. "Shhh!" I yell. "Don't tell anybody!" Shouts echo from the crowd behind me, and Amanda's hands close around my arm as she pulls me back through the window with a sharp tug. "Hey!" she barks in a tone I've never heard her use before. I crumple onto the ground and feel the tears come. I let them, and as I sit against the car sobbing, Amanda crouches next to me and pulls my head into the crook of her neck. I can feel her trembling slightly. "Hey," she says in a much softer voice. "You're gonna be fine." I wail. We sit like this for about five minutes, the crowd of high schoolers in complete silence, watching. Nobody makes a move. Cops just stand around, looking at me sympathetically. Then, with a small sniff, I pull myself to my feet. A few minutes later the police car pulls out of the parking lot and the audience parts, stunned, still silent. Bile is rising in my throat. My head starts spinning again, so I head back across the street behind a gas station. Amanda follows me. There, I lean up against the building and vomit. I keep retching until my throat is hoarse. Amanda slowly strokes my back, and then says in a quiet voice, "You're staying at my place tonight." I nod weakly. We stand behind the building for a few more minutes, and then walk back to her car.

I cry until about 2:00 in the morning, and then I just stare at the ceiling. Amanda falls asleep next to me and I listen to the steady sound of her breathing. I feel dead inside. How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again? I've never put myself out there, and the moment I do, I end up crying in the back of an EMS until my throat feels tight. My stomach lurches as I think of Calum. He's the one who found me. How did he know where I was? And why did he even care? We'd only just met. I can't imagine why he would regard my safety so closely. Shuddering, I wonder what he must think of me now. My heart hurts so badly, I can't even afford to think about anything else for fear that I might implode. So I lean over to the bedside table, grab the Advil that Amanda's mom put out for me, and pop them in my mouth. I force my eyes shut and resolve not to think for the rest of the night.