Focus

Up And Out

After I decide to head to the police station and report a break-in, Homeland Security shows up at the house in late April to install some cameras. There's one in the hallway perched above my bedroom door, and a few overlooking the front and back doors and windows. Since the incident, my sister has been apologizing to me profusely. Sorry about Brandon, sorry for not being here more, sorry for not being able to help...it's gotten to the point where pretty much everyone is sorry for me and no one even knows why anymore. I'm so tired of hearing people apologize to me that I fight the urge to be sick when someone I don't know approaches me in the hallway and tells me they're "here for me". I just want to disappear again. Go back to where I was before; nobody, nowhere, on the way to a quiet, somewhat unforeseen life, but at least I felt okay. I'd rather live my life feeling okay than being known for the bad things that always seem to happen to me. I've grown so accustomed to pain that I'm afraid I won't ever know what normal feels like again.

By the time graduation approaches, the realization hits me with a crippling blow. I'm sitting under a tree in the lot behind the band hall, just outside the double doors where I first met Calum. My copy of 1984 lays open across my knees and it's the last day of school. The air is heavy and it makes my clothes stick to my body with perspiration, and I'm running over the events over the entire year when it occurs to me and my eyes shoot open. They're leaving. The boys are graduating. A sinking feeling instantly floods into my stomach. I knew it was coming, sure - I don't know why I expected them to stay forever, but this year, although terrible and sickening, I was able to make it through with their help. Amanda too. Aisling is staying to watch graduation, and then she's going back to Fort Lauderdale. I expected that was going to happen, too; I guess I'm still just new to the whole idea that the people you love the most are often the people who leave the biggest scars.

It seems like I blink a few times and Saturday just pops out of nowhere. I'm now wearing Calum's Santa Cruz t-shirt, which is slightly baggy on me, and black leggings, and I'm standing in the packed auditorium waiting for graduation to start. Aisling is to my right, chattering about her summer plans. "I was thinking we could drive down to Key West and maybe hold an end of the year party at my aunt's beach house," she says thoughtfully. "And then maybe some people could stay to go on the kayaking trip at Zion National. Or do you think people would prefer camping instead?" I bunch the gray fabric under my nose and inhale deeply. It smells like Calum. "I don't know, Ais," I say in a muffled voice through the shirt. "It all sounds wonderful." She pauses from her rant and looks at me carefully. "You're gonna come, right?" I sigh and look at my shoes. Amanda left for Vienna a week ago with her parents, the boys are heading out on their trip in a few days...if I let Aisling go back to Fort Lauderdale, knowing her, this might be the last time I ever see her. I miss her so much, it aches in my stomach even when she's right next to me. I can't let that happen. "Sure," I say. "But I want more details, okay?" She grins and nods, pulling out her phone and typing vigorously. "This is gonna be incredible!" She squeals. I laugh and recline back in my seat. Summer should be, if anything, interesting.

"Michael Clifford," a deep voice rings over the microphone, and I see him sweep across the stage in deep red robes, his head high, a satisfied smirk on his face. His dark hair is haphazardly spiked in all different directions across his head, as usual, and the teal stripe stands out under the auditorium lights as he strides over towards the principal and gives a firm handshake, accepting his diploma. Tears flood to my eyes when he takes his spot at the bottom of the stage and gives me a small nod. I smile and let out a small laugh, shooting him an ecstatic wave and a thumbs up. He presses his lips together to keep from laughing. I'm grinning from ear to ear, tears rolling down my cheeks like a crazy person, and my heart has never felt heavier. Luke soon joins him. He's never looked more excited than he does now, his round blue eyes alight with happiness, and he grips his diploma tightly like a little kid holding a teddy bear. Calum follows suit a few people after Luke. He holds his shoulders back and his head high, his chin steeled with formality as he nods curtly, accepting his handshake and diploma.