Focus

Maybe Ignoring The Problem Will Make It Go Away

Once Adrian and Chris are in my line of vision again, I decide to make a bold move. If I'm gonna pull this off, I need a little extra...courage. After making a quick pit stop at the refreshment table by the porch, I grab another plastic cup and fill it to the brim with scotch, ignoring the cold punch seeping through the tops of my black Vans and into my socks. As I tip up the cup and drink down the cool liquid I suddenly realize why I agreed to come to this party in the first place. By all rights, I shouldn't even be here. I'm annoyed with Aisling, confused by Calum, scared to even leave my house, and being completely honest, I'm still paranoid about running into Brandon. I haven't seen him since graduation, and I know that Aisling would never let him past the front door of her party; but it's still one of my top fears that I'll somehow encounter him alone again and he'll try to dominate me, and I'll be suffocated by that overwhelming sense of helplessness all over again. I remember what Brandon said at graduation about "finishing what we started". We. As if I somehow had a choice in the matter. The thought makes me so furious that I absentmindedly crush the empty plastic cup in my hand, and I realize - the reason I came to this party is to get revenge.

I'm not really sure who I want to get back at. All I know is that rage has consumed me for the past month since Calum left and I hadn't even noticed until now. How could he just leave me like this? I mean, he knows that his crazy ex-boss is on the loose, in addition to the sicko that tried to rape me. I'm probably more vulnerable than ever at this point, even more so now that he's not here, and I completely neglected to mention his coworker showing up at my house before I so carelessly tossed my phone into the pool. That was a stupid idea. At the time, it seemed grand and symbolic, like a doorway to the changed person I want to become - as if drowning my only means of communication is supposed to make me a badass. Probably the only thing I achieved is a pissed off sister. Who cares? She's never home anyway. No one is ever home. No one's ever there, or available. Is it so much to ask for a friend who's constant? Someone who won't just pick up and leave at the first sign of trouble? I shake my head and pour myself another cup of scotch. The drink burns my throat and I shudder, but now I'm on a mission. I'm shaking with anger now. I was fine before the phone call, I suppose, but something about hearing my mom's voice ignited a spark in me - and I'm not even mad at her. I'm mad at Calum. I've never felt this livid in my entire life.

I've missed his embrace so much, in fact, that I don't really miss him at all anymore. I just have this aching need to kiss somebody. I want the crazy passion he and I had again, even if it's just for one night, and at this point I don't care who it's with. My feet lead me straight towards the corner where Adrian is. A few girls are laughing and chatting with the other boys, and when he notices me approaching, he lifts his chin shyly in acknowledgement of my presence. I reach the spot where he's standing and he says quietly, "Hey, I was just - " I interrupt him by grabbing his hips firmly and backing him into the wall until I feel his shoulders hit the stone support of the pavilion. This earns a sharp gasp of surprise from him. I smirk, and inhale deeply, bringing my lips up against his. Compared to Calum he tastes plain, but for what he lacks in familiarity, I make up for with lust and spontaneity. Mutters from the group behind him ring in my ears but I raise myself onto my tiptoes and force his head back against the wall, kissing him more vigorously now. He groans softly into my mouth and reaches his muscular arms over my body to grab my face in his hands. I reach one arm around his back and grab his hair, the other arm still grasping onto his hip which is now flexed against my fingers. His firm chest leans in and out against me and he breaks away from my lips to momentarily nibble on my neck and around my collarbone. I'm honestly surprised; for someone who is so socially inept, he really knows his way around a girl. The best part of this is - I don't feel guilty at all. Nothing I've ever done has been this wrong, but in fact, this whole thing feels kind of like a victory. Here I am, making out with a complete stranger at a party, when up until last year I had never been kissed before in my life. I'm pretty enough to get a guy. I'm desirable. I think I'm more surprised by this than Adrian was by my spontaneous kiss, because he keeps working his tongue in and around my teeth delicately.