Coffee Talks: Proses And Roses

Body Problem

I have a problem. I'm inside my body and it never feels like home. I would look at the mirror and see my reflection staring back. And I hate the way my body looks like when I try to check every angle of it.

It's disturbing and I can't stand seeing myself that way.

Covering parts of my body by wearing jacket and long pants really helps. It makes me feel better about my skin. Because some parts of myself are hidden and people wouldn't see my body fats.

But then I realized I can't settle with that forever.

I remember it's gotten to the point where I would convince my family that I was exercising and practicing a healthy diet. But in reality, I wasn't eating so much. I used to feel a bad sense of satisfaction when my stomach grumbles in hunger. I'd hide away chips and sweets because I know I'd mess up if I eat a single piece.

For months (around last year), I did lose some weight. I was glad about how skinny I was becoming. But I was never mentally happy. I wasn't mentally doing okay because I kept restraining myself from enjoying food and the nutrients it offers.

Let's fast forward to today.

Slowly, I'm gaining my weight back again. But this time, I don't want to feel bad or guilty. I want to praise myself because I'm able to eat whatever I want. I'm able to satisfy my hunger when my stomach ask for food.

I don't want to go back to the time when I was skinny but unhealthy inside. I can't deal with any more pressure about what I should eat or how many calories a single bite contain.

Food is one of those things that keeps me sane during the pandemic. And I want my relationship with food to be a healthy one. Even though I'm gaining weight again, I'm somehow glad that I'm no longer the girl who used to starve herself to meet certain beauty standards. Such standards that aren't true and important, to begin with.

I want people to realize that being beautiful always, always comes from the inside. From the way we treat ourselves and the people around us. It's never about having a skinny body, a silky hair, perfect teeth, and a fair skin. It's all about kindness, courage, and respect.

Let's stop counting calories and start counting blessings. All bodies are beautiful, no matter what shapes or sizes.