Creatures Of Habit

Chapter 16

"Sawyer what's this about?" I could hear his tone of voice getting more frustrated with me. Did I really think it would be easier than this? Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath to try and find some solid ground. "Take a seat Ricky, this isn't easy for me to explain."

He took a seat as I closed the door behind me so the others wouldn't hear me. "I have to break up with you." I said looking him in the face to see a mix of emotions but mainly hurt and maybe a bit of anger as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket and cast his gaze downwards.

"Because of Ruby?"

"What? No, she doesn't have anything to do with this. She's not the reason why I'm ending this relationship."

"Then why?" Ricky said getting up and grabbing my hands.

I took a breath, and closed my eyes again. "Because I'm gay."

"Since when?"

"Since forever but I've had trouble accepting it."

"But what about last night?"

"This is going to sound so much worse than it is but last night was one of the worst experiences of my life."

"So why sleep with me then if you're gay?"

"To see if I could do the socially acceptable thing. To see if I could be with you without complaint, but I couldn't do it. I can't."

"I see."

"Ricky if I stay in this relationship, then I'd be denying myself happiness and I'm not happy with you. That's not fair to either of us, besides I don't want to keep you from finding someone who could make you truly happy."

"But I love you. You make me happy."

Feeling incredulous, I look at him as my jaw drops before stepping around him."Wait a minute, I tell you that I'm breaking up with you and you decide to drop the L word? Well, that's the first time you've said that."

"I wanted to tell you under different circumstances believe me."

"I love you too. I was in love with you since I was like sixteen, you were everything I wanted in a man and I wish more than anything that we could have made this work. But love is not a reason to stay if one of us isn't happy."

Folding his hands behind his head, Ricky blew out a breath. "Wow, I can't believe we're breaking up."

"I'm sorry things had to end this way. I'm even more sorry that the L word had to come out when we're ending this."

"Don't be sorry for being who you are." Feeling him put a finger under my chin, I felt him really close.  "Sawyer?" I looked up at him with unshed tears in my eyes.

"You're one crazy woman." He said squeezing my hand causing me to giggle.

"So I've been told." His hand came up to cup my cheek.

"But I respect your decision and I'm happy you respect yourself enough to go after what you want." Leaning in, he kissed my cheek before opening the door and disappearing behind it.

When the door was shut again, I leaned against it, letting the unshed tears go free. Suddenly a knock against the door brought me back. "Sawyer, open up. It's me."

I opened it, letting in my best friend. Once she caught sight of my face, she brought me into her arms giving me a comforting squeeze. "You did it, didn't you?"

"Yeah, yeah I did. But I'm not sure if these are happy or sad tears."

"Maybe they can be both. Mourning the loss of what you had with Ricky but also happy because you can now move on and finally let yourself be happy."