Mean Bands (Bandom version of Mean Girls)

Kalteen Bars

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that Elisa didn't ask me out right after she broke up with Andy. After all, it takes time to get over a breakup. Besides, my main focus was cutting off another of Andy's "resources": his athletic body.

"I bought these weird vegan nutrition bars that make you gain weight," I tell Hayley and Pete. "Great!" Pete exclaims. "We can give it to Andy, and he'll gain a ton of weight." "Goodbye, Andy's abs," Hayley laughs.

I head over to the Plastics' lunch table. "I googled all these new diet plans," Andy sighs. "One says to eat all wheat, one says drink nothing but cranberry juice, and one says to drain the blood of virgins. Didn't you mention something about nutrition bars that make you loose weight, Patrick?"

I toss Andy a box of Kalteen bars. "Yeah. I brought them if you want some." "Thanks Pete - I mean Patrick," Andy replies.

Next time I go to Andy's, I rig his scale so he won't know he's gaining weight. He remains pretty oblivious to the fact that he's eating 5,000 calories a day until our next shopping trip.

"These pants are perfect!" Andy exclaims, grabbing up a pair of torn skinny jeans. "I'm going to try them on. Tell me how they look!"

Andy pulls on the jeans in the fitting room, but they don't fit. "They must be the wrong size," Brendon says. "That type of jeans always fit you!"

"Try an eight," Gerard suggests, handing him a larger pair of pants. Andy pulls them on, but they don't fit, either. "Do you have anything bigger?" he asks the salesgirl.

"Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 8, and 2," says the salesgirl. "You could try Hot Topic!"

Andy puts the jeans back and storms out of the store. "Patrick, those Kalteen bars haven't helped me much," Andy says.

"Oh," I reply, trying to think of an excuse to keep him on them. "They take a while to start working, but when they do, you'll notice right away. They work miracles."

Andy smiles. "Good, because I really want to loose three pounds."

Now, all I've got to do to ruin Andy is turn Brendon and Gerard against him, and I think I know just the trick.