Deliverance (Fem x Stem)

30

Teyanne Sully

I feel guilty but I also feel powerful. Letting my anger out, I get to express how I feel and that rage isn't bubbling inside of me anymore. But then Lilliana gets hurt and I see that turmoil of pain and sadness in her eyes. She's a broken woman, and I'm not helping her by being the way that I am.

I'm seriously fucked up.

I should have warned her before we decided on...us. I should have given her a heads up on what was to come. Maybe people didn't last with me long because of this rather than my obsession with tying myself up and struggling to get out. Maybe I was wrong all along. At least I can admit that I'm fucked up now...but that won't stop the bruise probably forming on my girl's neck from appearing, or cause the lack of trust she now has towards me to suddenly build overnight.

I lay back in bed and get on my phone, turning on my side as I hear her shuffling through the house. This isn't right. We can't live like this. She can't.

Later on in the day, Lilliana peeks her head into our room. She has a blanket wrapped around her body, sporting a visible bruise on various parts of her body. I didn't even know I had hurt her that bad. Was my grip that dangerous? My anger that reaching? I tried to look away but it was like something in her projected my mistakes to me.

"My cousin text and told me my Grandma died. They were trying to perform emergency surgery," she informs me. "Why do you stay?" I ask her suddenly, looking up.

"I don't know. Because I'm trying to make this work," she chuckled to herself. "I ask myself that same thing too." She turned away and I called her name softly. She didn't falter by a step, not bothering to come back.

She doesn't have to come back, I remind myself.

It's dinner time and I enter the kitchen with only my boxers on, prepared to have a real talk with my real woman. She's chopping something up and swiping the tears from her eyes. My eyes aren't watering so I don't really know whether they're onions or not. I stay further back in the small kitchen, leaning against the fridge as I watch her work.

"Can we talk, Lilliana?"

"Can we talk, Lilliana?" she mimics me.

I vaguely feel embarrassed about my lisp, and also curious about what Lilliana would do next. She obviously was still pissed off, and rightfully so. I decide to take her actions in stride. "So is that a yes?"

"Whatever, Teyanne."

She abruptly puts her knife and her chopped food down on the cutting board and turns around. She leans against the counter with a bruised body in a tank top and casual shorts, the thin top showing off her hard nipples. I don't think she's horny right now though. I think she's angry.

I look down at my feet.

"Ian been doin you right."

"That's obvious," she says bluntly.

"It's my anger, sometimes I can't control it," I trailed off. "So why yeen act this way before? We move to Dallas, and it's like you're a whole different person, Teyanne," she argued.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "But like, chill with the yelling. I gotta headache."

Lilliana stared at me for a moment, then erupted into more yelling. "Do you know how many pain killers ima have to take not to feel this, Teyanne? Talkin about you got a damn headache when you the one causing these problems," she scoffed. "You don't got a right to complain!"

"All I'm asking you to do is to respect I gotta headache. I'm tryna talk things out with you, am I not?" I asked her, taking a step closer. "Okay and? If you gon still stay stubborn minded and close minded, what's the point of this discussion?" she rolled her eyes.

"What?" I looked at her like she was stupid, "how was I even stubborn minded or close minded throughout any of this?"

"Obviously you don't think this drinking, this drug taking, this putting hands on people shit is wrong because you keep doing it and you think it's cool."

"Bro, I'm apologizing now! And I apologized each of those times. What more do you want from me, the fuck?"

"I want you to stop," she hollers.

I turned around, running my hands over my face as I felt my anger starting to rise. No, I was going to stay peaceful. We're going to talk this out. I kept the crazed smile that wanted to slip across my face buried. "You're the one being difficult. There's nothing else I can do." I turn around to see Lilliana getting the knife. I didn't know whether she was about to start cooking or was going to cut me. I made the quick decision to grab her from behind, letting the knife clatter to the floor.

"Bro, what the fuck? I'm trying to cook!" she snatched herself out of my grasp.

"I thought-

"Damn, I didn't know you knew how," she said, bending over to pick up the knife. See, I was playing nice until she said that shit. Rage flooded my body and I yanked her up by the arm, bringing my hand back to slap her hard. She stumbled against the counter, clutching the knife against her as tears watered her eyes. "You're the one that's causing all of this. If you quit being picky and difficult, nagging and shit, you'll realize you got a real one and you should be grateful that you have me."

I head back to our room, clutching my stinging hand as I melt into calmness. I hate that Lilliana does too much. Once she starts seeing things my way, maybe this relationship will begin to go better.