The Romanov Series Book #1: My Rogue Girlfriend

Chapter Forty Seven: Ambivalence

Katya's POV
Papa was fine of saying that having one foot in something is dangerous. You either have both fit in or none. I have one foot on Ferrer's side because of what is undeniable between us. Love and a baby. The nursery has made me more confused. I'm not sure what to do. The other foot is with Federov; the safety net.

The nursery...

It was really simple yet meaningful. Her father and grandfather put that room together. It's sentimental. I can see myself on the armchair nursing our daughter as he reads to her or even him picking her up every morning to tell her he loves her. I want that scene. I want it badly but I'm terrified of what follows when he loses interest or something triggers him. He leaves. I can't deal with that void. Not anymore. The question is what holds more weight. Is it what if feels like when he leaves or is it what it feels like when he loves me?

Federov picked a room for my daughter. He must be tired of my reluctance. It's an adjoining room to the master. He was using it like an office but now it will be a nursery. He thinks it's best of our baby... yes, 'our baby' as he put it to be close to us.

"Katya, say something."

Unlike Ferrer and Gustavo Who probably did this on their own, Federov has hired someone with interior design expertise. "What I there to say? I don't know anything about putting together a nursery. Do what is right." I left them to figure it out.

I want to see Ferrer again.

I want to make love again so that I can be sure that what I felt was really true. The gentleness of him spooning me derp and slow still makes my body tingle. I want that again.

"Katya, I'm trying to help you prepare for the baby. You are seven months along. We don't have much time."

"Terrence never had a nursery. He slept in my bed. We don't need a nursery. She will sleep with me."

"I don't think that is a good idea. What if I roll over and crush her?"

"We don't have to be in the same bed."

He grew upset. I can't look at him without thinking of Ferrer spooning me passionately with our baby in his arms. I can't look at him without remembering how shamefully I moaned and allowed him to kiss me. I can't share a bed with Federov anymore. I just want Ferrer.

"Is it something I said? Have I done something to upset you?

"No."

"Is that why you slept away from home on the night of the storm? Who were you with?"

"Keira."

"Only?"

"Nick was there too. Don't worry, it wasn't a threesome." I walked past him. "I'm going to see Terrence. Don't wait up, I might sleep over."

"Are we alright?"

I stopped for a second. I can't answer that question without lying.

I walked out.

Am I coming back?

I don't know.

*
I didn't go to Terrence.

I came to Ferrer's house. Gustavo is home. It seems they made up. "Come in! Come in! How are you?"

"Fine. Is Ferrer home?"

"You just missed him. Is it something I can help with?"

"I'm going to sit on the nursery. Can you make me something to eat? Something sweet?"

"Right away."

I went upstairs to the same room he put together for our daughter. I studied the crib again. It's beautiful! It brings tears to my eyes. I can definitely see our daughter in here.