Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (Tate Langdon Fanfiction)

Stay away- chapter 21

So please hurry leave me
I can't breathe
Please don't say you love me
One word from you and I would
Jump off of this
Ledge I'm on
Baby

***

I'm not perfect.

I grew up with both of my parents on my side, and people would say that my life was perfect that way. And it was, but not for a very long time.

When i think of my childhood, i think of happiness. I think of the sun shining in my eyes, and all i see is gold. I think of the games i used to play, the imagination and effort i would put into whatever i was doing.

I think of the trips i used to have. I would look out the window with admiration towards the life outside, the roads and the cars and all of the people and houses we would pass by. My parents would talk, or argue, or stay silent and listen to music.

I think of the sea. I can still smell the salty aroma in the air, i can still hear the seagulls and the waves crashing against the rocks. I can still feel the water wet my feet, the air blow the hair out of my face. I would watch the sight with a smile on my face, and i never thought for a second that one day things won't be like this.

I think of the mornings that never seemed early, walking with my mom to school. I don't remember it being like that, but my mom told me that i used to always play alone in kindergarten. It's weird how my mind erased all the bad things from my childhood. That's probably why I think about it like a long lost happy memory.

I think about running around with Diana and Zoey, my best and my only friends at the time. I think about making new friends. They didn't judge you, it didn't matter what you looked like and it didn't matter where you came from. The only thing that mattered was if you wanted to play hide and seek or not.

I think about the quiet nights, how i would return to my room after a long day of playing outside. And about how even then, I would start drawing to the best of my abilities, and proudly show my creations the next day to my mother.

Now i don't see gold anymore. I see clouds, i see a grey sky and i see the rain.

Now i look out the window while I'm driving my own car, and I don't admire anything or anyone. I only think about the day ahead, while the radio plays a monotone song in the background.

The ocean hasn't changed. Maybe that's why I keep returning to it. Everytime i go there, i feel like a child. But I'm not so sure if it brings me joy anymore. There are so many memories attached to that place that used to be happy, but now they only remind me of the good past and the bad present.

The mornings are always terrible now. I have nothing to wake up to anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. If you asked me a couple of weeks ago, i would've told you that i wake up thinking of the only person that kept me going, Tate. But now he's just a cold shadow that i only see when i step inside that old house, that still gives me the chills, that still makes me feel dizzy, like i witnessed all the murders in there. Like all the good things in my life, Tate became only a shadow too.

The drugs helped only a bit, but after their effect was gone, i was left empty. So after i relapsed, i stopped taking them. I didn't want to go down that path again, even though I craved, like everybody else, an escape.

Diana and Zoey are still here. And I'm scared that one way or another, I'm going to destroy them unwillingly. They're going to get hurt only by being by my side.

I don't know how things became so dark so quickly. Only a couple of years ago we used to play and laugh together. We didn't have anything to worry about. Things went from being pink, yellow, from dolls and toys and laughter to sadness, loneliness, words and actions that only hurt other people.