Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (Tate Langdon Fanfiction)

All the things i missed - chapter 19

Wake from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today, we escape, we escape
Pack and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

***

I'm not ready to meet them yet. I know that I'm the one that called them and asked them to meet me at the bus station, but I'm not ready. I called them only because i feel guilty for not talking to them sooner. I know that they want to be there for me, and I'm being ungrateful if i keep pushing them away.

The weather matches my state of mind. It seems like the storms have come back, and the few days in which the sun was shining have gone by, and they will never return.

It's not raining yet, but the sky is dark and heavy, while the streets, the trees, the cars parked on the side of the road and the people passing through from time to time adopt the darkness too.

I search through my hoodie's pockets for my cigarettes and my lighter. I sit down on one of the benches at the bus station and light one of them, inhaling the smoke and blowing it out, feeling my body relax suddenly. I still have some time before Zoey and Diana come to the meeting spot.

Even if i am dressed up appropriately for the weather, a chill runs down my spine when the wind intensifies. My hair is all over the place, and I'm pretty sure i still have some smudged make up under my eyes. I didn't bother to look in the mirror when i left the house, but i know that i don't look welcoming.

Somewhere deep down, i am anxious for this meeting. But I'm not going to show it. Like many times before, i put on a mask that makes me look bored and careless. I'm not hiding my emotions because i am afraid of Zoey and Diana -it wouldn't be the first time that i show them vulnerability- i am hiding them because i don't want to deal with them fully right now. I want to relax so badly, that my head is empty and i am staring off into the distance.

It doesn't work for long though. Thoughts preoccupy me, many memories that seem so distant now and feelings that i knew from the beginning that they won't last forever.

I imagine that I'm sitting on the beach, a place that i haven't seen in a really long time, a place that holds one of my early memories of me and Tate, and a place in which i used to find comfort, but now it only brings me sadness.

Either way, i miss the sound of the waves, and the way i would imagine that I'm living in the ocean, free.

Freeness it's something that I've started craving recently. I wanted to be free with Tate, but now i can't be that anymore.

The ocean always made me feel free, but I started thinking bigger, whatever that means. I want to see other places, but I'm not sure how that'll work now.

It's scary to think how many things i stopped doing ever since everything happened, ever since Tate happened.

I want to draw again, i want to be alone and walk the streets all day and sit on the grass and sketch out the happy kids that are playing with their toys next to me.

Yes, i want to be alone. I've spent every moment with Tate or Zoey and Diana, but now i want to be alone again. I miss not having to drag myself out of the house to be with somebody, and i can't even begin to explain how drained of energy i feel right now.

One thing that i certainly don't miss is school. I can't say that i don't feel bad for the other kids that experienced the shooting, and for their families, but i don't think I can go back there. I'll be judged for sure, and I'll judge other people back, but i just want to graduate and get out of there, out of here.

I hear after a few minutes of waiting some voices approaching me. I drop my cigarette to the ground and step on it, standing up and looking in the direction of the sounds.