With or without you

Chapter 6

When I saw the text, I felt the tears start again. They really were a nuisance. I wiped my tears and stared at the phone again. So many thoughts and emotions were just going through my mind. I looked down at the phone, at the message and just cried. I miss her. So much. Knowing that she isn't mine anymore, knowing that she'll move on with someone new, it just hurts so much. Knowing that I'm not going to be the one who makes her laugh, who holds her hand in the car, the one who kisses her on each cheek then her lips to make her smile. All the little things that were just ours felt like they had all been ripped away, and they would never be ours again.

I was still lying in bed when the weight of the blankets felt like it would crush me. I got out of bed and sat down on the floor with my back against my dresser. As I sat there thinking about everything that was hurting me I realized that I still had my send receipts on, so she could see that I'd read the text. I set my phone on the ground and just let the tears fall. What else could I do? Whether I wanted them to or not, I couldn't stop them. I felt so powerless. I debated, back and forth on whether or not I was going to text her back. We aren't supposed to be talking. We both agreed that it'd be too hard for us to be talking to each other, and that it'd be even harder to try and comfort each other through our broken hearts. I don't know why she decided to text. When she saw me earlier today she must've known I was going to start crying. I've always been more sentimental than she is. When we would be driving and we'd pass a poor dog or cat on the side of the road she would always cover my eyes with her hand or she would turn my chin towards her so I was only looking at her. It just made me sad to see them. I looked down at the text again. I kept staring at it like maybe if I looked at it long enough it would change the situation, like it would change how I feel, or maybe she'd change her mind. I want her back. I want her to be mine again, but I know that's not possible. I knew I shouldn't text, but I had to. I needed to talk to her. I wanted to know how she was. I wanted to know if she was hurting as much as I am. If she was crying too. I hated seeing her cry. Like I said before, she isn't the sentimental type. I've only ever seen her cry a few times, and those few times broke my heart. I decided to text her back.

No.

That was all I sent. If I let myself type anymore I would have just told her everything I'm thinking, how much I love her and I how being away from her makes me feel like I'm dying. Constantly struggling for breath, and that just putting one foot in front of the other felt like it was too much. I sat in the darkness with only my phone laying on the floor, just staring into the darkness when I heard another notification come in. I picked up the phone and read the message.

I'm so sorry

I watched as the typing bubbles popped up. They stayed there for a couple seconds and then disappeared. I wondered what she was going to say. I wondered if the cold was bothering her, or if she stayed warm enough today. I wondered if she had been thinking about me the way I have been thinking about her.

It's okay I replied.

I didn't know what else to say. What could I say? If I told her how much I wanted her it would only hurt her. I couldn't tell her that I couldn't stop thinking about her, or that when I looked into her eyes today it broke my heart into a million pieces. I couldn't tell her that every time I thought about what happened I'd burst into tears.

No its not. Now tell me how you really feel

I smiled a bit at the message. Even though anyone would know that I'm not okay, she always knew when I wasn't okay. She could always tell when something was wrong with me. When I would get quiet because of something in my head wasn't right, she'd always know. She'd always do anything she could to make me feel better.

I feel like I'm dying

Five minutes went by before she finally text back.

You should get some sleep

I just stared at the text. I knew she wouldn't sleep. Just like she knew I wouldn't. The thing is though, she did this a lot. When she wanted to talk about something, but wouldn't let herself she would always say, 'you should go to sleep' or 'we should get some sleep' or 'it's getting late'. This was her way out. This was her way of saying she either just didn't want to or couldn't talk about whatever it was that was bothering her. I felt a tear fall down my cheek again, because before, even though she couldn't talk about it right at that time she would tell me later. We would talk about whatever it is she was going through, but this was different. We weren't going to drive to her favorite park and sit in her car with our sonic drinks and talk about it. I won't be there to wipe the tears from her eyes when she cries about this. I won't be the one who holds her hand when she hears my favorite song and thinks of me. I won't be there to hold her when she starts to feel a sort of way because of the cold, and because of the breakup. It'll never be me again. And that thought alone made me sob uncontrollably.

                                                                   --------------------------------------

"Why are you on the floor?" I blinked a few times after I woke up a bit to see Gray standing over me. I sat up and looked around to see my blanket half off the bed and half on me. My phone was still laying on the ground next to me. I grabbed my glasses off of my nightstand and put them on. After I still hadn't said anything Gray laughed a bit and said

"Did you fall off the bed?" I smiled.

"No." I debated on whether or not I should tell him that she texted me. I might as well.

"She texted me last night." Gray sat down and crossed his legs. He then put his elbow on his knee and rested his head on his hand.

"How did that go?"

"Well I ended up on the floor. How do you think it went?" I laid back down on the floor and pulled the blanket off my bed and over me.

"No no, don't do that." I felt him start pulling the blanket off of me.

"I don't wanna go to school." I complained.

"Too bad." Before I knew what was going on the blanket was pulled off of me and Gray's arms were under my arms and legs and he was picking me up wedding style.

"What're you doing!" I screamed.

"We have to go to school." He said. He then held me over my bed and just stared at me.

"Don't you dare."

"Too late." He lifted me up higher in the air and then slammed me into the bed. I laid on my bed in defeat while Gray laughed.

"I hate you." I mumbled.

"No, you don't. Now get up, we're gonna be late."