With or without you

Chapter 48

"He probably hates me now. I know she hates me, everyone should just hate me."

"I think you're being a bit over dramatic." I sat up from my spot on the floor and looked at Gray who was laying on his bed staring at me while he was propped up on his elbows.

"I don't think I am."

"I definitely think you are." I laid back down and started at the ceiling again. It's around two in the morning and Gray and I have been in his room since Austin dropped me off. The whole thing still doesn't feel real, but the truth is nothings really felt real since she left. I feel like everything has just been one long dream, more like a nightmare actually. Riley and I were dating for what felt like forever. After a while she became the only constant in my life that I could truly depend on. I have Gray, and I love him, and I think I've said this before but he's still a guy, and he doesn't understand some things. When I'm was with her it felt like I didn't have to pretend. I didn't have to put on this mask every time I was with her.

"What's wrong?" she had asked. We were driving around town and for some reason I just stopped talking, I know something had happened, nothing between us, but something. It wasn't anything astronomically terrible, because I can't even remember what it was now, but at the time it was enough for me to go quiet. I hadn't told her what was going on, I do remember that though.

"What? Nothing. Just some thoughts in my head."

"Are you sure it's nothing?"

"Yeah, I promise." I leaned across the center console and kissed her cheek as she drove. I then sat back and gave her my best 'I'm okay, I'm not crazy' smile.

"You don't have to do that."

"Do what?"

"Pretend like you're fine when I know you're not. We don't have to talk about it but I don't want you pretending you're okay if you're not." I looked down and watched as her hand found its way to mine. I looked down at them and for some reason I got the urge to cry. I looked back at her and just stared.

"So, what're you gonna do when we go to school on Monday?" Gray asked snapping me back to reality.

"I don't know."

"Have you talked to her?" I looked up at him again.

"I thought you hated her."

"Oh, I do, can't stand her. She fuckin punched me Tess." He paused. "But I know you're all in love with her or whatever."

"Well I don't think she wants to talk to me. Last time we talked it didn't end well. I don't think she wants anything to do with me anymore."

"Well you never know until you try."

"Should I call her?"

"Sure, or you could just text her like a normal person."

"Maybe I should just hold a boom box outside of her window."

"Sure, if you want her parents and everyone else to find out she's gay."

"It was a joke Gray."

"Oh." Gray and I stayed in his room talking for another hour. While we talked my brain kept coming up with all these insane ideas. I wanted to drive to her house, sneak in through her window or something. Call her until she came out so I could talk to her. Throw rocks at her window until she wakes up. Get an actual old timey boom box and hold it outside of her house. I kept picking up my phone as we talked, debating on whether or not I should text her. I'm sure she'll find out that he and I broke up, but part of me wanted it to be me that tells her. At around four AM we decided to go to sleep. I don't know if my parents knew where I was but they never called or text to ask where I was. My car was at the house, I'm assuming they think I've been in my room all night.