With or without you

Chapter 39

Tessa's POV

I'd been in bed all day, what else could I do? I couldn't bring myself to get out. The tears would come on and off, they would stop when I would fall asleep, but when I would wake up and think about what had happened, they'd start again. She's already broken up with me before, but it didn't feel like this. It didn't feel this permanent. It didn't feel this, absolute. I couldn't bring myself to look at my phone. I didn't want to confirm what I already knew. I knew that she hadn't text me. I knew she wouldn't. She won't forgive me for this. We won't get over this. We won't get past it. I was spiraling. The thoughts were creeping in like dark clouds. Just waiting to entrap my mind. Waiting to take over my entire mind, body, everything. Why did I think it was a good idea to kiss him? Why did I think it would be okay for me to move on? I was still in bed, just staring at the wall when I heard the door open. When Gray said my name, I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything except try and remind myself to breathe.

"Tess what happened?" I couldn't say anything. I just turned around and fell into him. His arms wrapped around me. I felt the sobs come out, violent and cruel with no remorse. I don't know how long we sat there. I could feel his worry through the way he was holding onto me. He held on so tight, yet still careful where he put his hands as if I were a delicate doll that would shatter with a touch. Truth is I felt like if he were to let go I would just fall to pieces. How could this have happened? How could I do this? I don't cheat. I've never cheated in my life. Is this cheating though? We're not together. She broke up with me. I kissed someone else. The scene from this morning kept playing in my head. Her words repeated over and over. 'you're not mine.'. They haunted me. I knew that it was true, that we didn't belong to each other anymore, but a part of me still hoped that we did. A part of me still felt like maybe somehow, someway she would be mine again. I ruined that though. But did I? She made it clear that night that we would not be getting back together. After what felt like forever Gray finally spoke.

"Are you okay?" I composed myself the best I could. He released his arms from me so I could sit up. I was now sitting in front of him.

"No. Not really." My voice came out timid, small, broken.

"What did she do?" I could hear the anger in his voice, I didn't know if it was more from worry or just from anger.

"She didn't do anything."

"Obviously she did."

"I kissed Austin last night." He stayed quiet. Like he didn't know why that was such a bad thing. So, I continued.

"Charlette must've taken a picture because she sent it to Riley. When she saw it this morning she freaked out and started leaving. I tried to stop her, tried to fix it, but she just said that I'm not hers anymore. Then she left." I did my best to keep the tears from coming but inevitably failed.

"Fuck them both." At this I only looked at him. I didn't know what to say.

"What?"

"Fuck them both. Charlette is a bitch and you don't need to be around her. As for Riley, fuck her. You're trying to move on and then she makes you feel like shit for it? That's not okay. She can't just keep her claws in you and use you whenever she wants."

"That's not what was going on Gray."

"Sure, seemed like it." At this I felt an anger start to rise in me.

"It wasn't. I love her, and she loves me. I know that without a doubt."

"If she loved you she'd be with you. She wouldn't be putting you through this bullshit."

"You don't understand Gray."

"You're right. I don't. I don't understand why you're trying so hard to hold onto her when she's made it clear that she's just going to leave you." I felt the tears start to fall.

"Tess, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just..."

"It's fine Gray. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I just don't want to see you like that again. It really scared me." I felt my heart soften. I know Gray. Better than I know anyone, even her. He never raises his voice, or gets upset or angry unless it comes to me. I crawled back into his lap and let him hug me. I really didn't want to be alone.

"Can we watch a movie?" I asked. I felt him nod his head. Gray is my best friend. I know he only wants what's best for me. When things got bad, I know it scared him. He just said so himself. It scared him. It scared me too. I don't want that to happen again. I don't. I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen.

The rest of the say consisted of movie after movie. Gray and I didn't speak much. I know what he thinks about Riley. I know that he would rather me just move on and get with Austin and never even speak to her again, but I can't do that. How do you move on when she was the only person that ever mattered to you? I've felt things for guys before, I've had crushes, felt the butterflies, but never this. I'd never been in love before, but I am in love with her. I'd never been in a relationship that felt so stable, secure, loving. It was different with her. She was different. She made me feel things that I didn't know were possible. I know everyone says that. I've read the clichés, seen all the romantic comedies, listened to all the sappy love songs. I did all of that, but until you're there. Until you're in the movie, hearing her in every song, imagining her in every sentence of the books, until you feel it, you have no idea just how hard it is to lose it. And that's exactly what I did. I lost her, and I think for good this time. The only problem is, I don't know how to live without her.