With or without you

Chapter 50

The last bell for school had just rung. I was gathering my things, putting my pencils away, trying not to crinkle the homework papers as I put them in my backpack, but my mind wasn't there. It's like my body was on autopilot. She's all I've been able to think about all day. I can't stop. I can't focus on my work, I couldn't hardly eat during lunch, she has consumed my every thought and cell. I stood from my desk, careful to make sure I walked around it and not into it... again. As I started for the gym to watch Gray's practice I saw Austin in the corner of my eye. He was talking to Charlotte of all people. I kept my head down and kept going. My mind switched back to her again.

Just because Austin and I broke up doesn't mean that she and I are getting back together. For some reason I had it in my head though that if I broke up with him, and she found out, that we'd have this movie scene where she finds me and we run up to each other and she puts her lips on mine and everything is okay, and we are together, and we don't ever have to be apart again. I know it's stupid but daydreaming helps keep my mind off the shit reality that is my life. Because the reality of the situation is, I kissed him while we were still talking. I ruined any chance of a relationship or friendship when I started dating him. She may have ended our relationship, but I ended us. I kept walking down the hall.

Maybe Gray's right though. It's not my fault for trying to move on. It wasn't me who broke us up in the first place, but, she didn't want it either. Things just got so complicated for her that she was being ripped apart inside, and I only made that worse, or maybe I made it better, I don't know. All she ever said was that she couldn't handle everything anymore. I pushed open the doors and walked into the parking lot.

The fact of the matter is though, we aren't together. I don't know if she'll ever be mine again. All that back and forth, it was so confusing, and it hurt. One minute we were broken up and we aren't speaking, then she's asking if I'm okay. Then we're secretly meeting in her car just to talk about how over we are, then suddenly we're having sex then she tells me it was a mistake. I walked past the outside locker rooms.

She broke up with me, tore my heart into a million pieces and then tried to glue them back together without making sure I was really in place. She kept holding onto me and I held onto her because no matter what, I know she loves me. I know that. And I love her. I don't care if we aren't that old or if we aren't mature enough or whatever bullshit old people say to belittle teenagers. I know that what I felt was love. I walked through the gates to the track.

I just want things to go back to the way they were. I want us to be okay again. I want us to be us again. I know things were hard at the end but I can make them better. I can be there for her. She didn't tell me what was going on. She just started shutting down and I could her drifting farther and farther away from me. Now I know what was going on though, now I can handle it better I can be there for her more.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Riley running across the field with her teammates. I felt a couple people walk past me to leave the field. I looked across the field again but this time, I saw her looking at me. She stopped running and didn't break eye contact. She then looked down the field at her coach who was yelling something I couldn't hear. I felt everything inside me break and light up all at the same time, a beautiful mess of broken. I turned around and started back for the gym. I had almost made it to the gates when I heard someone running towards me. I turned around to see Riley catch up to me and stop. Out of breath and with her hands on her hips she stared at me.

"Are you okay?" My brain took me a second to comprehend what she'd said. I was too focused on the fact that I heard her voice, live and in person for the first time in what felt like forever.

"What?" At this she walked closer and put her hands on my cheeks then made me look up, down, side to side, all around.

"Are you okay?" She asked again removing her hands from my face.

"I broke up with Austin." I said. It was all I could think to say. She stepped back and looked at the ground, still trying to catch her breath.

"Yeah I heard. Charlotte told me." I only nodded.

"You didn't answer my question Tess. Are you okay?" The concern on her face was heavy. I could only shake my head no. She nodded hers and said

"Yeah. Me neither." I wanted to laugh at the situation. All I've been wanting to do, all I've ever wanted to do was make her feel okay, make her feel like she would be okay, but when it comes down to it, she's the one who is always saving me, the one making me feel better.

"I miss you Riley." I whispered. I saw her eyes soften.

"I miss you too."

"I'm sorry Riley. For everything. I didn't want to date him, I didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry for all of it."

"It's my fault Tess. I caused all of this. I just..." I knew what she was trying to say.

"You're all I've thought about Tess." Behind us I heard a whistle blow, Riley looked in the direction of the sound.

"I have to go. Can we talk? Please?" Her eyes were pleading with me to say yes, so I did.

"Okay." She looked like she wanted to say something else but instead she ran off back towards the field. I let out a breath.