With or without you

Chapter 37

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of rustling in my room. At first, I was startled because I had forgotten that Riley had spent the night. When I opened my eyes, I saw her gathering her things together. Something about her body language was just, wrong. I pulled the covers off of me and sat up on the edge of my bed. I know she saw me get up, but she wasn't looking at me.

"Riley?" My voice came out soft, scared almost. She still wouldn't look up at me. In that moment I started to feel myself panicking almost. Like I was in trouble. Like something horrible had happened. My mind flashed back to last night. When she finally did look up at me her eyes were sharp, piercing, angry, but mostly, hurt. She finished putting her clothes on and started for the door. I jumped up and ran to it and blocked her from leaving.

"Riley what's wrong? You're scaring me." She still wouldn't speak. She just pulled her phone out of her back pocket and pulled up her messages. On the screen was a picture sent to her from Charlette. The picture was of me and Austin at the partly last night, kissing. In that moment I felt my stomach drop and my blood ran cold. My heart was beating out of my chest.

"Riley it's not what it looks like." Her face changed from mostly anger, to more hurt.

"Really Tess? Because to me it looks like you were kissing him." She moved my hand off the door, not aggressively, but enough for me to move, and then started down the hall. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I felt like at any moment I would just implode. I followed her down the hall and down the stairs.

"Riley please come back."

"No."

"Can we please just talk about what happened?" She was already at my front door, with her door on the knob when she stopped and looked at me. The tears in her eyes made me feel like I breaking into a million little pieces.

"There's nothing to talk about Tess. I fucked up. I broke us up. You moved on. We're done."

"Riley don't do this. Please." The tears were falling freely from my face now.

"What do you want from me Tess? You kissed him. Someone else's lips were on yours. They're not mine anymore. I know that. I just..." Through the tears I cut her off.

"Riley it was a mistake. I wasn't thinking. It just happened. It didn't mean anything."

"It did though. It did mean something Tess. It meant something to me. I know you aren't mine anymore, but I didn't think... I didn't think this would happen." She turned around, turned the door knob and started to leave.

"So that's it? You're leaving again?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Stay. I want you to stay. I want you to tell me that you love me and that you want to be with me." I cried. I could see her trying to fight back the tears.

"You know I love you. You know that if I could stay I would, but I can't. No matter how much I want to."

"You'd rather be miserable, surrounded by people who treat you like shit and make you feel like you can't ever do anything right?"

"That's not fair." I could see her teeth chattering from the cold air.

"I don't get it Riley. How can you run back to them? To the people who would never accept you for who you are. You'd rather be miserable and obedient than with me." At this she stayed quiet.

"Your right. You don't get it Tess. You never have and you never will." Her voice was lower now, she wasn't as loud as she had been before.

"Then explain it. Explain to me why you can't stay. Why you have to leave."

"You have this image of me in your head, you and everyone else, but that's not me, but I have to pretend like it is. I can't do whatever I want to do, I can't be whoever I want to be. I have to be what they all think I am."

"I know who you are Riley. I know that you are good." I walked to her and grabbed her hands in mine.

"I know that you aren't perfect, but you try so hard to be. I know you are a good person. I know you blame yourself for everything even when it's not your fault. I know you love with all your heart, and you care about people." I moved my hands up to her cheeks.

"I know you Riley." She didn't want to look at me, but I made her. I kept my hands on her cheeks and pulled her closer to me.

"I know who you are, and I love you." I pulled her into me and put my forehead on hers. We stood like that for a second.

"I love you Riley." I cried. I started to place my lips on hers when she pushed me back. The hurt in her eyes was more than I could handle.

"No Tessa. You're not mine anymore." With that she turned around and got in her car. I stood there in the drive way, in the freezing cold, with tears falling down my face, and watched her drive away.