With or without you

Chapter 63

By the time I saw Gray's car pulling into the parking lot, I was already too far gone. The thoughts, the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, they'd all taken over. I had nothing left to give, nothing left for anyone to take. My head felt like a bee hive from how much it was buzzing. I was still sitting on the ground next to Abby's car when he pulled up in front of me. I stood up with unsure steps and started towards his car. I was trying to walk like a normal human being but I think my efforts were giving me away. I saw Gray get out of the car and start for me.

"What the fuck Riley." His voice sounded like my fathers. Angry and disappointed. I felt the tears wanting to start up again, but I wouldn't let him see me cry.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"Get in the car." He griped. I did as I was told. I put my purse in the car and then got in. I watched as Gray slammed my door and walked around to the driver's side. Don't cry, I told myself, over and over again. Gray started the car and drove towards the exit of the small parking lot we were in.

"Thank you. For picking me up." I mumbled to the window.

"Don't thank me. I didn't do this for you. I did it because if I didn't Tess would never forgive me." Before we'd even reached the street, I felt the air shift, so I braced myself.

"God what the fuck Riley?" I didn't respond. He continued anyways.

"What are you going to tell Tess happened this time? It was an accident? You didn't mean to get this fucked up? Or that Charlotte made you drink this much, that she poured the liquor down your throat." Don't cry. Don't cry.

"Yeah I can smell the whiskey on you from here." He paused for a second before I heard him mumble

"Tess deserves so much more than you." At this I couldn't take it anymore.

"Pull over Gray." I heard him groan.

"Great. Are you going to be sick? That's just perfect." He parked the car right next to a park that Tess and I used to come to. I opened the door and started walking. I didn't even grab my bag, I couldn't be in that car anymore. When he realized I wasn't going to be sick, and that I wasn't coming back, I heard him get off the car.

"What the hell are you doing?" He called. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They were flowing freely and I didn't know how to stop them anymore. The buzz in my head was only making it worse. I heard running behind me, then I felt a hand on my arm.

"What are you doing?" His voice was still angry. He was annoyed that I was causing him so much trouble.

"You're right! Okay? You're right Gray." I cried out.

"I'm not good enough for her. I fucking know that. I've fucked up every good thing in my life, I don't know why I thought things with Tess would be different this time. I thought..." I can't breathe.

"I thought I could be strong. For the both of us. I thought I could handle my parents, and Charlotte and everyone else, but I can't. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough for her." He didn't say anything, he only stared at me.

"I'll break up with her. Okay? I'll end it, and this time I won't come back. That's what you want right?" I couldn't read his face. I felt the tears falling down my cheeks and I hated them more than anything right now, but that wasn't true. I hated myself more. I started walking away again.

"So that's it?" Gray questioned. I stopped and turned back to face him.

"Yeah Gray, that's it. I give up." I felt my whole body shivering from the cold.

"No. Too bad. You can't give up. The fuck is wrong with you?" At this my emotions turned towards anger.

"The fuck is wrong with me? Do you have any idea how it feels to be a complete and total disappointment? I disappoint everyone. I'm not good enough for my parents. The only friends I had only wanted to tear me down and make sure everyone knew it. I don't have anything Gray. Why would I want to drag Tessa in to my shit show life?" Gray ran both his hands through his hair and did a full 360.

"Why is it so hard for you to just let her in?" This question threw me for a loop.

"What?"

"All she's ever wanted was to be there for you, and to love you. And you just don't let her. Don't get me wrong, I agree with you, you're a shit show mess, but she loves you." I laughed a bit.

"She has so much going on in that head of hers Gray. I don't want to add more to it. I don't want to disappoint her any more than I already have."

"For a smart person you really are stupid."

"All that stuff going on in her head, it's always about you. About if you're okay or if you need her or why you're not okay. All I ever hear from her is how much she loves you." More stupid tears.

"It broke her when you left Riley. More than I should even say. You're not alone anymore Riley. Okay? What you do affects Tess. And if you would only let her in; she'll never disappoint you. And take if from the guy who royally fucks things up with her all the time, you can't disappoint her. And even if you did, she'll forgive you, because that's just who she is." By now I couldn't breathe, and the tears were suffocating me. Gray walked over and wrapped his arms around me.

"Come on. Let's get in the car. It's cold as hell and I know your ass is cold blooded." I nodded and followed him into the car. I got in and looked out the window. Gray got back on the road and we drove in silence.

"I do love her Grayson." He let out a breath.

"I know you do." I watched as he took us into town rather than back towards my house.

"Where are you taking me?"

"I'm taking you to her."

"Okay." I whispered.

"But I'm getting your ass a large black coffee and a mint first."