Repetition Compulsion

43.

Sera whimpered as another tear rolled down her cheek. But again, Abimbola did not notice. His main priority was saving her. He had to save her, he couldn't let her down the same way he had let Tatiana down. 

 "You didn't have to be a hero.", Sera managed to croak. "I've already told you I don't need saving."

"I'll always try to save you, Sera."

"Troy's dead", she whispered faintly.

"I know", Abimbola whispered back. "The police will be here soon."

"Grace might be alive", a tear drop rolled down her cheeks. "The sheriff was the only person who knew where she was and now he's dead."

"He's not dead. Just unconscious."

"We have to find her, Abimbola. You say you'll always save me. Well, here we go again, and for the first time ever, I'm actually asking you to help me. I'm asking you to help me find my sister. She's alive, Abimbola. I know she's alive, and waiting for me to save her. You have to help me", her voice cracked but she just kept on fighting.

A weak smile formed on his lips. "I told you I would always save you, Sera. Even when you think you don't need it." He squeezed her hand. "My people are already on it, you will be reunited with Grace soon. But Sera, I need you to hold on for me."

"For Grace"

"Yes, hold on for Grace."

"Anything for Grace."

*****

Sera allowed her eyes to close, but only just. She was desperately tired and needed to take a nap, even if it was just for a few minutes.

Abimbola had tried to fight her at first, but even he could see it was hopeless. He knew all he could do in that moment was sit there and wait for the ambulance to arrive, and to get a call from Jake letting him know if he had also found Grace or any traces of life in the Sheriff's condo. It hadn't been verbally articulated, but even he knew that the possibility of Grace being alive was the only thing keeping Sera in the land of the living. 

"Just for a couple of minutes okay? I'm going to close my eyes and then you must wake me up after a few minutes."

"Sera, you know you can't fall asleep. You have to stay awake."

"I'm not gonna die. I promise", she whispered. "But you have to promise to wake me. Wake me after a few minutes."

"Sera, I c-"

She squeezed his hand faintly. "Promise me, Abimbola"

"I promise", he whispered. 

And then she drifted into unconsciousness. 

***

A few minutes before Sera's eyes closed, she saw Grace. She was in a floral white dress and had a halo on her head and a smile on her face. She told her that heaven was real and that hell did not exist. She also told her that pain was inevitable, but that suffering was a social construct. Then she told Sera to go back to the land of the living because her job wasn't done yet.

Now, Sera had never had any spiritual gifts, but even she knew dreaming of people she thought were alive being dead was not a good sign. It had taken her 3 years to get over her sister's death, and she had only just survived it. She wasn't sure she could survive it again.

So, when the next sign and confirmation came, she didn't try to fight. Instead, she slowly let go and accepted the news before it had been vocalized to her.

She watched as Abimbola took a cellphone out of his pants pockets and put it against his ear. Then even though she couldn't hear anything, judging by his facial expressions, he knew it was bad news. She had a good idea the news was about Grace.  But knowing Abimbola, she knew he wouldn't tell her unless he absolutely had to. She knew he would wait until she was safely out of the woods and wasn't a danger to herself before he could tell her. 

Even Sera had to admit that this was a good idea. She would probably do the same thing too if she were in the same situation. But what Abimbola didn't know was that Sera had received her fair share of bad news. So she knew even when it wasn't vocalized to her. She could tell in his body language, and his facial expressions, so she knew. 

She could have waited for him to tell her, but she already had a good idea of what he was going to say. She had heard it before. She had barely survived it once, and so she knew the second time wouldn't be any better.

So, finally, she just decided to let go. Without confirmation, she decided that Grace was dead again. She had to be. And without confirmation, she decided to let go. She decided if Grace had let go, then she could too. She deserved this rest, she had been fighting for too long. She knew it was now time for her to stop fighting and accept her fate. As she came to that sad realization, her eyes closed and she drifted into unconsciousness.

***

This time when Sera closed her eyes, she saw her father. He told her that the Buddhas had it right all along...that we all reincarnated every time we died. Then he told her that she had it all wrong; that he had never turned his back on her and that the universe had never shunned her to begin with. Instead, it had presented her with the exact amount of tragedy and life changing experiences that she needed to become a 'great one'. He told her that they had both gotten it wrong in this life, but that he would find her in the next life and the one after that, then they could have their do-overs, and that this time he would do better. He told her that the next time he met her, he would do everything right and love her in the way that she was always meant to be loved, and that hopefully then she would realize the kind of love she needed and deserved. But that for now, she had to go back and fulfill her life purpose—she had to become a great one.

So as she regained her consciousness once again, Sera tugged on Abimbola's sleeve and willed herself what she knew would come to be known as her last words.

"The red book", she said. "If you look inside my purse you will find a journal with a half baked book. Finish it, will you?"

Abimbola's eyebrows furrowed. "No. Finish it yourself once you're well again."

She smiled softly. "You know I can't."

"Yes, you can! All you need to do is fight!"

"For Grace?"

He looked away, to hide his guilt and his sadness. Little did he know that that was enough to confirm Sera's suspicions. "For me, Sera.", he whispered. " Fight for me. I should be enough for you to want to fight."

"You are enough, Abimbola. But you deserve better. It's not me, you want. It's Tatiana. You found a piece of Tatiana in me, and that's what you want. That's who you are attracted to."

"You're wrong."

"Tatiana and I hurt you, Abimbola. But you deserve better. You will love again, and you will find the spirit of me and Tatiana in a different body. Only this time, this time she won't break you. This time your efforts will be reciprocated. She will love you the way you deserve to be loved". She squeezed his hand lightly. "I promise"

And then as she felt his hand tightening against hers, she whispered. "Let me go, Abimbola"

"No."

"You have to."

"No. I don't want to", he whimpered, clearly getting upset. 

It took everything in her to smile, but she did. She smiled a sad smile, and shifted her head, motioning  towards her purse. "Fix the book, Abimbola. Finish it, fix it and make me a great one. That way, my spirit will live on, even in my death."