Repetition Compulsion

31.

Nahi's eyes widened in shock, as she watched Sera blurt the information out. There was pure horror in her eyes as she stood there seemingly trying to process everything that she had just heard.

"I was in so much shock, that my mind forgot everything that happened that night. I had to be sent to a mental institution to relearn everything that had happened to me, everything that I had done. They said if I co-operated and showed remorse, then they wouldn't take me to jail, and that I wouldn't be punished for all the crimes I committed. All I had to do was go to a mental institution, allow them to fill my head with images of all these horrible things I had done, and then sign a confession paper saying I had done it, then they would let me go and seal my records. Do you still think I'm grieving endlessly for no reason? Do you still think the suffering is all in my head?"

She didn't reply. Instead, she continued staring blankly at Sera, her mouth still wide open. In that moment, Sera was reminded of why she had chosen not to tell Nahi any of this in the first place. She didn't want to break her. Nahi was pure light and she deserved to live a life full of joy, and positivity. Sera knew telling her this would break her. It was her burden to bear and she should have taken it with her to her grave, but she hadn't. She had been selfish, and in so doing, she was pretty sure she had now broken Nahi too.

Sera turned around so she could walk away and leave Nahi in peace. But as she was about to walk away, Nahi opened her mouth and said:

"Are you sorry"

"What?"

"Are you sorry for what you did?"

"Do you want the truth?"

She nodded. "Yes"

"I'm sorry for Grace, but not about the sheriff. I hope he burns in hell for all eternity."

"Good", she replied firmly. "Do you get nightmares?"

"About what?"

"Him. The sheriff."

"No...I j-just...I sometimes have flashbacks of some of the things he did to me...to Gracie...sometimes I get flashbacks of the images they showed me at the mental asylum, but that's about it."

"Good.", she replied. "Because he doesn't deserve it."

Sera was completely taken aback, and for a minute she was convinced that the whole interaction was happening in her head only. 

"What?"

"It's so obvious. I'm just trying to figure out why it took you so long to admit it."

And in that moment, Sera was convinced she had officially lost it. Nahi had always been her biggest cheerleader, but this didn't make any sense. In that moment, Sera was more than convinced that she was making that whole scenario up in her mind. She turned around so she could walk away and clear her head a little, but when she turned around, she soon discovered that Nahi was still following closely behind her.

"I thought I told you to stop following me", Sera said, turning around to face Nahi.

"And I thought I told you 'no'. Now stop telling me what to do."

"What the fuck, man? I just told you I murdered two of my family members in cold blood and you're still here following me like a lost puppy? Aren't you scared? Do you have a death wish? Go the fuck away and stop following me...before I kill you too", Sera added for effect.

"No", Nahi replied firmly.

"No?"

"You're not a murderer, Sera."

"I just tol-"

"Shut up and let me finish", she said calmly.

"You're not a murderer, Sera. I have known you for the past 3 years and you speak so fondly of Grace. There is no way you could have killed her in cold blood. I don't know what they told you at that God forsaken asylum but you didn't kill Grace. There is just no way.", she continued. "But I know if that man had done half of the things he did to you to me, I would have killed him without blinking an eye too. Hell, I know for a fact that if he was alive today, I would have dragged your behind with me back to your home-town and killed him myself. You're not a murderer. He's a murderer. What you did was self-defense."

"You don't even know what happened", Sera replied flatly.

"Of course I do. He fucked you up, then killed your sister. So you killed him back."

"You don't know that's how it happened."

"I don't need to know what happened or how it happened", she said calmly. "I know you, and I know your heart. I know that only guilty people get nightmares, and you don't get nightmares, so deep down, you know something is not adding up, and you know you didn't do jack shit.  I also know that man made your life a living hell for seven years straight, so if for any reason you did kill him, he had it coming. You can't let him win. You can't let his death haunt you for the rest of your life. You can't continue giving him so much power over your life. You need to let it all go. You need to move on, and you need to find peace and healing, and live for yourself ."

And then in that moment, Sera broke down, because she couldn't for the life of her figure out why Nahi had so much faith in her. To an extent, she knew Nahi was right. She had been living with questions and doubts all her life. Despite all she had been told about what happened that night, there was never a point in time where she felt guilty. She just felt an unimaginable amount of sadness, and sometimes rage. 

At one point in time, when she still trusted him,  she had turned to Troy with it, she had asked him to help her find out the truth about what had really happened that night. After all, he had the money and the resources. But Troy hadn't looked hard enough. He had only scratched beneath the surface, and then given up on her half way through. What he hadn't forgotten to do however, was threaten her with exposing the information to the public and tainting the image she had worked so hard to build. So instead of focusing on finding out the truth and proving her innocence, Sera had found herself waking up everyday for the past 7 months to survive the hurricane that was Troy Gabriels. But standing there and hearing Nahi come to the conclusion that she was innocent after only hearing a snippet of the story, Sera couldn't help but wonder if it was time to believe in herself again. She couldn't help but wonder if it was time to dig within, and find the power to fight, again.