Repetition Compulsion

33.

The next few days Sera worked from home as she continued studying for her final exams. So, she did not directly meet up with anyone, nor did she go to school, or the office, though she did exchange a few texts with Nahi.

On the day of her 21's birthday, she woke up to two things: a really sick feeling in her stomach and a parcel delivery from Nahi. Over the years, Sera's stomach-aches had only ever meant one of two things:

1.Something bad was about to happen,

or

2. Something bad had happened before in the past, and her body was now trying to take over, and do something it thought her memory was failing to do—remember.

She didn't know it then, but for the first time ever, her stomach-ache had a double meaning.

Sera was quite aware of what her body was trying to remind her; It happened every year during the days leading up to her birthday, and became intensified on her birth day. All she knew during these days was sadness, depression and suffering. But the last two years had been different because she had spent her days with Nahi, and that had somehow managed to numb all the pain and make it disappear.

On her 19th birthday, they had crashed a random party and spent the rest of the weekend drunk off their faces, so Sera did not remember much of what had happened there. The following year, they had gone to a theme park, and Sera had spent the day numbing her body with adrenaline and not sadness. She found that she was quite excited to see what Nahi had in store for the day. She desperately needed it, because the last few days leading up to her birthday had been the hardest. She had tried to numb all her thoughts by burying her head in school work, but that couldn't stop her from remembering what had happened on that very same day 3 years before.

That morning when Sera woke up, her feet felt both heavy and weak at the same time. But she somehow managed to lift them both and made her way out of bed, across the hallway to the bathroom where she reached for the toilet bowl and threw up all of the previous night's dinner. When she finally finished, she threw her body against the bathroom walls and then took a much-needed deep breath in. "I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved." Sera chanted softly whilst trying really hard not to burst into tears. She reminded herself that it was not the time for weakness, or tears; she had to be strong, and she had to keep it together. She had to do it all for Grace. She knew it's what Grace would have wanted. So, to distract herself from all the pain, she decided to open the present that Nahi had gotten for her prematurely. She had been hoping to open it once Nahi came through, but she really needed something good in her life at that point in time, so she decided then was a good a time as any.

The parcel delivery had arrived a few days prior. It was a small, pink box, inside a bigger, brighter pink box. Sera wondered what it was, and she struggled to contain her excitement. Before opening the present, however, Sera scanned it, trying to guess what was inside. In a way, this was her own way of distracting herself from the pain she was feeling both internally and externally.

When she finally decided that she had had enough of the suspense, Sera ripped the packaging apart and looked inside. Inside the smaller box was a book facing upside down. She picked up the book, and turned it the right side up and gasped when she found out which book it was: It was a copy of Timeless Tribulations by Veronica Ho, the last present she had gotten from her father, the book which she had lost sometime ago. This may not have seemed like much of a present to anyone, but to her it was everything.

To Sera, Timeless Tribulations was like a bible. So, even with everything brewing inside of her, she still managed to form a soft and weak smile; Nahi had done it again, she had managed to gift yet another great present.

She opened the book to scan through the pages, and then noticed that there was a little handwritten note at the beginning of the book. Sera recognized the handwriting as Nahi's, and she smiled to herself before she even read the note.

The note said:

Even on your worst day, you are love and power personified. You are a real life Destiny Wyatt, Serendipity Seme. 

Don't let them break you. Don't ever let them break you.

Love Always,

-Nahi.

It took Sera a while to process why the letter looked so familiar and what the real meaning behind it was. But when she finally figured it out, she felt her heart drop. Next, she felt her limbs growing weaker and weaker, and without even realizing, she let the book go, and it fell on the ground, making a heavy ' thud!' sound.

Sera felt her heart beat faster and faster against her chest.

No. It couldn't be.

This couldn't be Nahi's final goodbye to her. She wouldn't ghost her, and most importantly she wouldn't ghost her using the same method her father had used to ghost her, would she?

Sera was hopelessly in denial and she was determined to prove to herself that the only other person she had come to love in this wretched world would never do such a despicable thing to her. But, deep down in her heart, she already knew the answer. She knew Nahi was terrible at goodbyes, but she had hoped she would get over her fear for her. She had hoped she would be the exception. 

She also knew that on that day, at that particular point in time, she would not be able to handle the truth. So she decided she wouldn't. She decided she deserved a break from her all so tiring life, and that for one day, she wanted to escape it all and be away from it. So, with that thought, Sera put on a cap, a hoodie and some sneakers and then she made her way out of the house. She was not sure where exactly she was going, but she was sure she didn't want to be in that particular place at that particular point in time.