Repetition Compulsion

10.

Sera:

Sera walked through the open church gates, and headed to the chapel where she sat at the back. It was a Saturday morning, yet there was already a number of people in the building, doing what she could only assume was Bible Study. So, to avoid disturbing them, Sera sat in the back. Even though her feet had taken her there, she didn't actually want to participate. She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts in a familiar looking place. 

Being there was peaceful and felt surprisingly therapeutic. It felt something like returning back home after a really long day of grinding. Sera hadn't been to church in a long time--since the day she had turned 18 to be exact. Too much had happened, leading up to that day. And since then, she had constantly felt like there was a dark cloud looming over her head. In her opinion, the God she had been told about hadn't done a single thing to help her with the darkness. Hence, she had never felt the need to go back.

She had never told anyone this, but she was angry, and fuming. She felt she had done everything right as per her mother's, priest's and bible's instructions. She deserved to be rewarded. She deserved happiness. But all she had gotten was trauma after trauma. So, in her mind, it didn't make sense for her to continue serving a God who had inflicted so much pain on her and taken away everything and everyone she ever loved, leaving her feeling bare, naked and afraid. It didn't make sense. So, one day she had just stopped going to church, and it was one of the easiest decisions she had ever made.

"Are you okay, young lady?"

Sera turned around, and standing next to her was a very old and very wise-looking man. By the way he was dressed, Sera could tell that he must have been some kind of priest. Sera smiled softly, but otherwise kept quiet because she didn't really know what to say. She hadn't planned on having any conversations. Especially not with a priest of some sort.

"Would you like to make a confession?", he asked. His eyes were small, but they looked really kind. The priest reminded Sera of the grandfather she had never known or had.

"Oh...no. No thanks", Sera replied, getting up quickly. But she stood up too fast, and this resulted in her feeling light-headed. So she had to sit back down. To her surprise, the priest sat down next to her, but didn't say anything.

"I don't want to make a confession, sir. I don't think your God wants to hear from me.", Sera said after a while as a way to make the silence less awkward.

The priest smiled again. "Not my God...our God.", he corrected. "Why would you think our God wouldn't want to hear from you? He loves us, He cares for us...he wouldn't forsake us."

Sera laughed bitterly.

"You doubt his love for you?"

"Very much, sir"

The priest smiled again, but then got up and patted Sera on the shoulder.

"Even when you doubt his love, he continues loving you unconditionally nonetheless."

Sera shrugged.

"I can tell that you are in a lot of pain, young lady. But understand that whatever it is that you have done, however despicable, he has already forgiven you. In his eyes you are perfect and worthy of forgiveness. It's now only a matter of confessing, and forgiving yourself. And when you are ready, he will be waiting to welcome you back home.", he said and then turned to walk away.

Sera sat there for a while longer just trying to process everything. She was definitely in a lot of pain, and struggling to forgive herself for everything that had happened when both her parents abandoned her and her sister Grace. But what she did not believe to be true was that she had all the power. That if she got up right then and decided to forgive herself, then all the pain and suffering would stop and then all would be right with the world. To prove herself right, she looked up at the roof.

"God. If you are listening. I forgive myself or whatever. And I am ready to have goodness and mercy overflowing into my life."

Nothing happened.

She tried closing her eyes. But all she saw was darkness.

She opened my eyes, then she looked back up at the roof...still no magic sign, or anything that indicated that her prayer had been received.

She looked down at her body: She still looked the same. Hell, she still felt the same too.

In conclusion: Nothing happened. Which shouldn't have come as a surprise. The universe had never been generous with its gifts. So Sera had no idea why she was expecting anything to happen right then, all of a sudden.

She hadn't been to church in ages, so she most definitely did not consider herself to be Christian or a believer of some sort. So, given all that, she had no idea why she felt so disappointed when nothing happened immediately after her little prayer.