Repetition Compulsion

28.

Nahi:

Nahi Kim had always found pride in the fact that she had never been a smoker. And even though she knew lots of people who smoked, her roommate included, she had never even attempted to find out what all the buzz was about. But on that day, with the raging thoughts flooding her mind, she couldn't help but think of the times when she saw her roommate smoking, and how calm and peaceful she always looked after. It was almost like the tobacco had some kind of healing or calming effect, and that's what she desperately needed at that point in time. 

She thought back to a week prior, when her life was boring, normal, lazy and carefree: She wasn't stuck in an awkward love triangle, she had no looming and impending expectations, and she was not about to break the heart of the man she loved. She was just existing. So how in the hell had it gotten to this? She looked down at her outfit and chuckled. Sure, she was a bit overdressed for the occasion, but she had left her mother's place in a hurry. She had to. 

She had never anticipated that Jeremy would take the news of her departure the way he did. She had figured that to him, she was just a fling, another body he could sleep next to on lonely nights, a dangerous, but manageable addiction. But when he had found out about Nahi's plans, her departure, and her life changing commitments, he had fought for her harder than she could have ever imagined. He didn't understand why she was doing all this, he found the thought process behind it to be quite pointless, and he wanted her to stay. He wanted her to stay for him...with him. And so having been overwhelmed by this revelation from Jeremy's side, Nahi had fled the scene, choosing to run back to the only place she had ever been in control of her life. The only place she could find peace: Her apartment with Sera. 

***

By the time Sera got back to her apartment, it was already late afternoon. As she opened her apartment door, she was immediately hit by the sweet smell of red velvet cupcakes being baked in the oven. From her experience, she knew that the cupcakes Nahi was making were actually edibles, because Nahi didn't smoke. However, this knowledge was soon shattered, because the next thing Sera noticed was Nahi standing over the balcony in the living room doing what appeared to be stress smoking. 

Even from where she was standing, she could smell the sadness and the gloominess radiating from Nahi's body language. She was wearing a red and gold sari and her wavy black hair was untied, falling effortlessly down her back. Half her body was hung over the balcony railing and her head was hung low, thus giving off the impression that she was doing some deep thinking.

As soon as she heard the door open, however, Nahi's hands immediately flew to her face, probably to wipe off some tears, because when she looked back up, Sera noticed that her eyes were red, and her cheeks wet.

"Hey, you", Nahi said with a weak smile. "Long time no see". Her voice was uncharacteristically low and despite her attempt at faking it, she looked really drained.

"Nahi...what's wrong?", Sera asked worriedly.

"Nothing's wrong", Nahi replied with what Sera figured was meant to be a reassuring smile. "I'm just a little tired, that's all...and my allergies are kind of acting up...it's just...it's been a long day, and I'm tired."

If Sera hadn't known Nahi for as long as she had, she might have believed her story. Nahi's voice cracked a little, and her smile was a little broken but other than that she had said the lie with so much conviction that for a moment Sera actually found herself wondering if Nahi was telling the truth.

But the thing was, Nahi was Sera's only friend...her bestfriend, so even though she didn't always act on it, or actively call her out on it, she knew when she was lying or when she wasn't okay. She had known for a while now that something was terribly wrong with Nahi, especially since she was hardly ever at the apartment. But for some reason, Nahi seemed to be delaying the process of telling Sera what the matter was. Sera knew if she really wanted to, however, then she could have forced the truth out of Nahi a long time ago, but she had chosen not to. Sera also knew that she was capable of forcing it out of Nahi in that moment, but she chose not to because that wasn't how their friendship worked. Their friendship was built on trust, and so if Nahi didn't feel safe or comfortable enough to trust her as her friend, she knew she had to to give it time. So, instead, Sera chose to do what she would have wanted Nahi to do if roles were reversed. She chose to sit with her in her pain and wait until she was ready to tell her.