Milkshake Hearts

Chapter 132: Step On

They riff on Ian's lack of preparedness and why they've been so busy – the short answer is 'everyone pitched some cool sketches but they were all complicated to film' – before Damien, almost accidentally, brings them back to Shayne's path of self-discovery. He's settled into the idea of sharing, now, though, and he jumps on it, shamelessly resigning to it being the whole podcast. He hasn't taken over one for his own purposes for ages, pretty much since the one he did with Courtney just after their engagement over a year ago.

"Things making sense is kind of what's coming out of this," Shayne comments, when Damien says something about making sense of your own life, "it changes absolutely nothing in my life now because I am married and all that- but as Court phrased it when I've been talking through it with her, it's about me being able to make more sense of how I relate to myself, and my past, and the world around me. And like... my brain is definitely still sending me off into thinking there's something wrong with me sometimes, but for me, having that explanation to come back to helps a lot."

"And I guess that probably varies for different people, too, because I guess labels don't work for some people- but they do for others, I guess," Ian backs up, Shayne nodding.

"Yeah. And it explains some less personal stuff too, even like- why I always say my celebrity crushes are Kathy Bates and Dame Judy Dench. Because I don't actually really have celebrity crushes, I guess I can recognise famous people are pretty but actually being attracted to them just doesn't happen," he shakes his head, "and I don't want to be mean to anyone, so I just go with these generally well-liked, nice older ladies, and everyone knows I'm joking, but not making fun of anyone except myself."

"Kathy Bates is hot though," Ian jokes, before his tone turns more serious, "can I ask a bunch of dumb questions and you tell me to shut up if they're too dumb?"

"How is that any different to normal?" Damien pushes, exasperated, Ian scowling and Shayne laughing in response.

"Go for it, but maybe you'll just get a dumb answer."

"Well... can I ask how it does fit in to you and Courtney? Or is that too personal?" he queries, a little hesitant. Shayne hesitates, for a moment, head tilting to the side.

"Maybe I'll get her to watch this podcast before it goes out to confirm it's all okay but I'm actually in a very Courtney-focussed mood this morning because uh-" he pauses, glancing up at the ceiling for a moment, "I think she'd be okay if I said- around our wedding she gave me a playlist of songs that remind her of me and of us, and because Courtney is so into music and so focussed on lyrics, whenever I listen to it I feel a whole lot of good stuff and I was listening to it this morning, so, you know."

"That's a really cool gift. Did you get her a wedding something?" Damien enthuses, Shayne rolling his eyes in response.

"You know exactly what I got her, Damien. Um, yeah- a blue sapphire pendant, she wore it on the day, and it was part of something that's been passed down a few generations in my family- Mum passed it on to me to give her a little while before the wedding," he smiles softly, before shaking his head, "and to actually get to Ian's question... It does fit in with Courtney, but not in a particularly interesting way. Her and I were both dating other people in the first kind of little while at Smosh, and as much as we clicked pretty quickly with working well together- we didn't really get very close just because we were both busy. But after I broke up with the girl I was with then, Court stepped up to help me through it a little and we got a lot closer from there and a few months later everything just kind of hit me. I had a little freak out about that- didn't want to be the creepy guy friend that can't keep things at friends-" Shayne continues, until Damien steps in.

"Little freak out, months-long existential crisis where I had to convince you that merely being attracted to her but refusing to act on it wasn't inherently creepy, call it what you want," he teases, Shayne rolling his eyes.