May We Meet Again

Can't Erase Death

Red. It's all I see no matter how many times I scrub my hands it will never be enough. My mom has been in and out checking to see if I am doing ok. I accept her hugs and her comforting words not fully registering them as soothing. Lexa requested a meeting to discuss our plan to take Mt. Weather thankfully she has given me time to mourn. I run the damp cloth over my fingers after what feels like a thousand times. I turn to face the wall so that when my mother comes back in it will be a sign to leave me alone. My skin is starting to get raw but I don't care I go back to scrubbing furiously tears falling down my face. I hear sound of the tarp to the entrance be pulled back signaling that someone is here. I silently hope that it is not my mother again since I don't want to hear her soothing words now. "Clarke?" I turn to see Bellamy standing with the tarp still in hand a worried expression on his face. I don't know why but I have the strong urge to run into his arms like I had done weeks ago. He looks down at the hand still gripping the washcloth. "It goes away." I give him a confused look "the constant feeling of blood on your hands, it goes away." He lets the tarp drop as he moves to sit next to me. "I know that me shooting Jaha isn't the same as what you did to Finn but I know what your going through." He stares off at the wall obviously remembering that horrible memory he likes to care to forget. "I'm a murder aren't I." His head shots to the side to look at me "Clarke you are anything but a murder, ok you saved Finn from what would have been a painful death." He puts his finger under my chin making me face him. "Look because of Finn we have a chance to save our people in Mt. Weather, he didn't die for nothing Clarke." I look away hoping that he won't see me cry. Even though he was right I still feel responsible and guilty, If only I kept the drop ship door open a little longer I could have prevented all of this. I feel Bellamy's hand stroke my back making me lean into it. I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand and turn to look at Bellamy. He somehow looks paler than he did when he first got in here making me wonder what is on his mind. He shakes a thought then gets up "um I should go check on Raven." My heart sinks at the sound of her name Raven. She hates me I know it, I would hate me too. I pull my knees to my chest as I remember Raven's cries as Finn took his last breath and said his last words. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything about Raven." I shake my head meeting Bellamy's gaze "it's alright, how is she?" He looks back over his shoulder then back at me "she's with him now hasn't left his side." I suddenly get a image of Raven crying over Finns body, wishing that all of this was just a horrible nightmare. Bellamy turns to leave giving me some space which I silently thank him for. I turn to the small bowl of water resting on a table putting the cloth in the water that is stained a dark red. I suddenly can't breathe I try desperately to take in big gulps of air but it's no use. It feels like someones hands are wrapped around my throat slowly squeezing the life out of me. I knock over the bowl watching as all the water spills to the ground. "Clarke!" I feel someone grab my shoulders turning me around "Clarke." I face my mom her expression scared and sad. She brushes a few strands of hair away from my face "Clarke you're going to be ok." I manage to start breathing slowly turning away from her suddenly feeling angry "don't tell me that i'm going to be ok. You know nothing about what I am feeling." She looks at me clearly hurt "I do know what your feeling." Anger burns through my chest as I pull away from her reach "No you don't! I killed Finn because I didn't want him to suffer that horrible death! You killed dad because you where selfish and couldn't keep a secret!" Every word hit her like a thousands knives "Wells was my best friend and you knew he took the blame for something you did and you let me hate him!" She lets out a sob "i'm so sorry Clarke." I shove past her walking straight out into camp feeling her presence as she follows me out "Clarke wait, please." Just hearing her voice made my blood boil "you don't get to be sorry!" Several eyes turn to the both of us but I don't care I continue to yell at her anyway. "You can't tell me that your sorry for dad or for Wells or even Finn because really in the end you are the reason I am down here in the first place." She looks around trying hard not to cry in front of all of these people. "You don't have the right to look me in the eye and tell me that you understand. Because you don't." I lean in close so she is the only one to hear "you may be my mother but you are dead to me." I brush past her ignoring all the stares and whispers as I make my way to the fence. They turned off the electricity a while ago so I have no trouble ducking under the wires. Once I am on the other side I break out into a sprint feeling all the more lighter as I put some distance away from camp. I go to the one place I know the dropship. Where it all began