...If Michael Only Knew...(On Hold)

God?...Why me? (Oct. 4, 1987)

*Maria's POV*

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*Laying down in the dark holding her pillow tightly *

You know, some days, I just wished my Father would've killed me too. I don't wanna live a life like this. A life of fear. A life of embarassment...*Wipes face* God? I just have one question. Why me? Why me God? What did I do so wrong that has caused me to deserve such punishment from birth until now? *Sighs* You know, even though I was fairly young when my family was killed, I still remember what lead up to that moment...It was a Sunday. Warm and a little windy. Me and my mommy had just came from church and Dad and my grandamama were arguing when we got home. It was pretty normal for them to argue because my grandmama didn't like my dad. I could see why though. He never went to church, he stayed drunk, and not to mention, he did hit my mother time after time. But this argument was about none of that. My father had stole all the cash from my Grandmama's purse and she found out about it when she was at the store and her wallet was empty. She came back and she was furious! My mommy didn't want me to be around that, so she grabbed my hand, drug me up to her bedroom...a-and called Mother Katherine. She told her that we were gonna walk over to her place for awhile, until things calmed down. They began to talk a little bit and then that's when we had heard the first gun shot followed by a scream. My mother screamed and dropped the phone on the floor. I heard Katherine asking was everything okay over and over, but I was too shocked to reply. My mother stood up and opened the door. My Dad was already on the other side, waiting. He grabbed her hair, turned her around, and began to sensually kiss her neck. She was crying and praying for God to forgive her of all of her sins and wrong choices. She knew she was going to die and she wanted to be right before she left. She mouthed "I love you stanka, and I'll see you soon" to me. Then my Dad yanked her and made her turn around to face him. He stuffed the gun in her mouth, kissed her forehead and pulled the trigger. I had never seen that much blood in my life! The back of her head was blown off. I screamed for my mommy, but she didn't answer. ...then, he picked me up and kissed my tear stained face.The smell of liquor on his breath made me sick to my stomach. He smiled at me and whispered. "Remember me for what I was, not what I have become" and he shot himself in the head. Right there in front on me. His lifeless boby fell on top of me and I screamed. His rapid blood loss covered me. I kicked him off of me  and ran downstairs to check on my Grandma. I yelled her name and yelled her name until I looked down and saw her. She had been shot in the face and her throat was slit. I crawled ontop of her lifeless body and hugged her until Mother Katherine ran in. She started to scream and then she called the police. She picked me up and asked me what happened. A few minutes later, the police showed up and I had to explain to them what happened. Then, the officer placed me in Katherine's arms and she carried me to her house. Joe Jackson was waiting for her at the door. With tears in her eyes, she explained to him what had happened as she cleaned me up. I remember Joe punching the wall and screaming "Dammit Mitchel!" Which was my dad's name. I cried for hours after that until Michael came home from his aunt's house. He was the only one who could calm me down. Even though I was destroyed mentally after witnessing such terrible shit, what I found out was even worse. Not only did he kill my mother, but he also killed my unborn twin sisters that I had knew nothing about! *Sighs* Michael is really my lifesaver. Even years after that happened, I would snap and scream, kick and cry and he would just sing to me and calm me down.That's why I love him, because he made me think that he loved me too but, I guess I was wrong...*Pauses,picks up a bottle of Lisa's pills and begins to read the label* If I were to kill myself, right now. Would he even notice? Would he even care? I know he has a crush on Chinna and ain't nothing I can do about it. So, I might aswell fuck off and let Chinna have him...she's prettier than me anyway...