Recklessly, Impossibly, Yet Beautifully You

2

I slowly trudge farther away from University exhausted after the long classes. I won't have any time to go home or shower, I'll just have to go straight to the book shop. I've worked there for two years now, and I'm so glad that I chose that place because working there doesn't feel like I'm slowly approaching death.

I open the doors and settle in. On a normal day I would be stocking shelves or busying myself in the back room, but college is hard. And my feet hurt. And nobody's here so I'm going to sit here and sulk about school. Whenever I become doubtful about the major I chose, I think about my mom. And my friends. And honestly even a few strangers. My mom divorced my dad after she caught him cheating, and I was left to learn how to comfort her and deal with her emotions. I learned how to read her face and know exactly what she was feeling. I then worked out what to say and what to give her when specific emotions came up. She would sit on the couch and cry into my shoulder about my dad. She would tell me how much her hurt her, and she would ask me why she still misses him, and she would ask me what we were going to do. I was 8 years old. Although I've forgiven her years ago for the stress she put me through so young, my heart still slightly twinges at the thought of 8 year old me begging the man at the gas station to let me get a job so I can help my mommy.

I ended up getting lost in thought and I went down a rabbit hole of issues from my past. So now I'm sitting here blankly trying to think of something positive. Oh shoot. Is that guys pick still in my pocket? I go to check if it's still there a little too fast than someone who stole a guys guitar pick should. But there it is, sitting loosely in my pocket. I wonder what that guy's doing right now. No Vanna. Stop it, why are you even so concerned about him? Yeah I mean he's kind of cute but - WHAT. No. No. He is not cute, what the fuck are you even talking about? Shit. He's really attractive. He's pretty, and I really want to see him. There, take that inner monologue. I said it.

I realized that I need a little break so I close shop early and go home. As I crawl into bed I think to myself that tomorrow since I don't have school or work, I'll stop and sit at the train tracks for a bit and get some fresh air.