The Queen

Chapter 11

TW: panic attack

I'm currently silently pacing in front of my bedroom room, having a small pep talk moment before I strip my dignity away.

Come on, just do it! You are a bad perra who can do it all! (Bitch)

Una, dos, tres. (One, two, three.)

Here goes nothing...

I open my door quite forcefully, making air whoosh on my face, and walk a straight line towards his assigned bedroom door. I knocked, three times to be exact, and waited for him to answer.

Nothing.

I try again, but this time, someone clears their throat behind me.

Theodore stands there, dressed in some black pants and a white button-up, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

He waited for me to talk, and at the same time, intensively looked into my eyes.

"Right, I actually wanted to talk to you about, umm..." clearing my throat and already cringing about what I'm going to say next. "...us."

"What about us?" he asked, crossing his arms.

I guess he is going to be difficult. "About us being soulmates."

"I already told you, I don't want anything with you," he replied going towards his door.

I stopped him by putting one hand on his chest, feeling the warmth of his body.

"At least let's talk things through like the adults we are," I said, controlling the anger that's within me.

Without waiting for him, I headed to the balcony that was at the end of the hall. I sensed his hesitation when it took him a couple of seconds to follow me.

Opening the doors, the afternoon autumn wind hit right away. The sky was starting to turn into the orangey sunset color, as well as the clouds.

I turned around and saw Theodores eyes in a dazed state before they quickly went away, replaced with cold green ones.

The hell?

"We need to arrange a plan on how we are going to deal with people knowing about our connection, and it takes two to complete it." I start explaining.

"Or we can just deny the connection, saying it was a mere coincidence and we were just acquaintances way before. This way it could be easier for us to go our separate ways once I go," he suggested with a condescending tone.

His words surprised me due to the fact that we've never even shared a proper conversation for him to be so repulsive towards me. The soulmate bond, if we even have one at this point, was flowing with rejection and hate, the feeling settling in my chest.

"You really don't want the connection? " I asked with a blank face, hiding my disbelief.

He stepped closer, so now our breaths are mingling. "I don't like repeating myself. The only way I would accept to be with you is only for the power I would obtain, after that, you are useless to me. You are just a pathetic excuse of a Queen and woman who deserves nothing in this world." He hissed in a low voice.

My eyes slightly widened, tears threatening to glisten my eyes, but I held them back, not wanting to show any reaction to the rejection.

However, I am beyond livid too.

"If you ever disrespect me like that, I swear that your whole Kingdom will suffer the consequences. You don't know what I'm capable of." I sneered in a deathly tone.

Bumping his shoulder when I passed him, I felt the tips of my fingers rise in temperature. My breathing became shaky, while my vision started unfocusing and refocusing again.

Owen and Maya tried to follow once I stormed out of the balcony, but I ordered them to leave me alone. I swallowed all the pain back and headed straight to one of the multiple invisible rooms hidden in the castle.

My mind was raising but at the same time empty with thoughts. I was searching for the reason for his hatred, maybe something that I did in the past and don't remember. Maybe something I did when I was young and drunk. Maybe when I manipulated my mind with magic. Or maybe it's just because of... me.

Once I got to one, I locked the door and leaned against it. All the pain that I've been trying to hold back from the rejection rushed to me as I slid down to the floor.

My heart ached at the fact that my soulmate, the person who should love me entirely, just rejected me completely. It pains me that I should be happy that this is happening since I didn't want to put my soulmate at risk of being killed by me. This should be making things easier but it's just turning my heart over lava.

"Pathetic."

"Useless."

"Deserves nothing."

I've always thought it would be easy for me to live a lonely life. To wake up with no one by my side, to an empty seat beside the piano bench, to no harmony whilst I sing, to no one but Levi and Louis, visiting my grave the day I wanted to be gone. But this just reconfirmed the one thing I've always feared.

I got out of my head when my body gasped for air. My breathing was ragged, the pain in my chest rising with every breath I took. I squeezed my eyes together and tried to focus on my breathing but quickly became light-headed.

I thought of all the techniques that I've learned through the years of calming myself down and stuck with the counting method.

"One,"

Breathe in.

"Two,"

Breathe out.

Mid counting, a headache appeared but I continued until I passed 100 and was laying on the floor. Now I'm staring at the roof light, seeing the beautiful color transition from pinks and oranges to dark blues and stars.

I took in a long shaky breath and closed my eyes. Carrying grief and sorrow is something that I'm always used to. However, this is a new kind of pain that I've experienced.

It's the kind of pain that rips your heart out and makes you want to cry for how things could've been. For all the possible outcomes that are not going to come anymore. For all the possible memories that could have existed but were ripped out of my own hands.

I regret wishing to stay away from my soulmate. He would have made me feel something good after all this year of pain and agony.

But karmas is a real bitch this time. It made my soulmate not want to be with me or try to be with me.

All these years trying to convince me that rejecting him would be the right thing for his safety, but no, it went the other way around.

I didn't notice tears gathering up after they started sliding down my face.

And I just let them come.

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- love, lulu.