Supernatural Oneshots

Coping Mechanisms

a/n - the reader smokes - marijuana and tobacco - in this oneshot so i guess a tw? Idk if smoking can be one but you can never be too careful - i personally dont smoke so apologies for any mistakes x

More trigger warnings; depression, self harm mention, fighting? 

I sit on a bench that Dean had put outside the bunker for me when I needed some outside time, being in the bunker you start to feel a little sick after a while with no windows or balconies. I exhale and see the smoke exit my body and I smile, it's satisfying seeing it, I don't know why. 

Sure, it kills me but everything does and will eventually, I'm a hunter for fucks sake, smoking is the least of my worries. I opted for my stash of dope for today, I can't stand the bickering of those two boys. 

I take another inhale of my joint and inhale, letting it sit for a bit and enjoying the burn that I get every so often. I can hear footsteps walking up the bunker stairwell and the turn of the handle followed by the large creak of the door. It's hard to not tell that someone is coming in or out of the bunker, which is a disadvantage for sneaking in or out. 

I hear heavy footsteps approach from behind me and see someone sit down next to me out the corner of my eye as I exhale. 

"What do you want?" I ask. 

"I wanted to talk to you." 

I shake my head and turn my head away from them, I can feel tears forming, facing the issues I was avoiding at this given moment isn't exactly what I was hoping to do. 

"Y/n," he says softly, placing a hand on my knee.

I move my knee away and scoot along the bench further.

"What's going on?" he asks me.

"None of your business."

"Come on y/n/n," I feel him move closer to me and I jump up.

I turn around to face him and see Sam's sad eyes locking with mine, "I said it's none of your damn business Winchester!"

Sam looks at his hands in his lap and sighs as I take another inhale. 

He just sits there as I turn my back to him and continue to smoke, Dean knows not to bother  me if I'm smoking outside the bunker, Sam however, somehow hasn't learnt to not come near me when I'm like this.

Warmth flows down my cheeks and my shoulders begin to shake and I can hear Sam shift in his seat but remain seated. I struggle to breathe normally cause of this sudden influx of emotion and I drop my joint to the ground and put it out. 

"Fine, I'm depressed Sam, I'm struggling big time, and you two fucking idiots fighting all the time isn't helping me, sure I shouldn't be so self centred but goddamn I'm allowed to be, can't you two just be nice for one day?!" I yell as I turn around, my cheeks becoming soaked with tears and my voice becoming hoarse with each word that I say.

"Smoking though?" Sam questions as he holds his arms out for me and stands up.

"It helps a shit ton, regardless of the intentions behind it, it fucking helps."  

"So... you use it as a way to harm yourself...?" 

"Yes Sam, I do, please don't yell at me for it." 

"Why would I do that?" Sam asks as he walks towards me slowly.

"Because people have," I reply as Sam hugs me tightly. "That's not the only thing you don't know about when it comes to that issue Sammy."

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean what I said, you probably won't ever see it considering it isn't anywhere anyone who isn't my boyfriend would see," I sob into Sam's chest.

I feel him sigh and kiss my hair. 

"I see, you're okay," Sam says as he hugs me tighter. 

I shake my head and cry harder, "I don't think I ever will be Sammy." 

~~~