The Silicon Valley Connection

22 | aidan - print ('never letting go')

My blood is boiling. Of anger at the bastard that sexually harassed her. Of deep regret that I wasn't with her earlier that night. But after getting off the phone with Baylor minutes earlier, it eased into gratefulness that he and Nichelle were there during that time. Faith's glassy eyes, her slumped posture, and her curls in two braided pigtails added to her already melancholy demeanor.

The "SSU Engineering" hoodie strings were pulled taut and tied tightly at the bottom of her chin. Her go-to grey leggings and black, high-top Converse were paired with it, multiplying the greyscale color palette. She's very much welcome at my apartment; however, Faith rarely, if ever--would show up, especially near 12 am. I hadn't expected her to come to me for this either. I try speaking again.

"Faith?" My voice grows more urgent with every minute she's silent.

"Why did it have to be me? What did I do wrong?" she whispers, her voice a combination between a plea and horrific realization.

I take a few wary steps in her direction, aware of her personal boundaries. To my relief, she meets me halfway; I guide her chin up with my finger, and after carefully untying the strings there, my firm hug surrounds her body, holding one hand on the back of her head and another on her upper back. Her face nuzzles into my shirt, and her arms wrap around my waist tighter than she usually does. Then, reaching out with the tips of my fingers, I close the door behind her and proceed to rest my chin on her hair.

She takes a few shuddering breaths. "I tried...to have fun as you said...I really wanted to, but..."

Oh, love. That's the least of my concern right now. Extending my arms around her back, we stay in the middle of my living space for a little while, with the only sound coming from the wall clock above the door. "Hey, hey, hey. That's not important anymore. You're all that matters to me right now."

Internally, I restrain myself from questioning her about the guy's appearance and using the satellites at my dad's job to locate the jerk to pummel him into orbit, but she needs me present right now. Too afraid to say the wrong thing, I just ask the standard question. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really..." she replies quietly. Tears still flowing here and there, I kiss the top of her head and continue to hold her, my back now leaning against the door. "You hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that for me. Focus on your breathing...on my voice. Think you can do that for me?" I say calmly, brushing stray hair strands behind her ears and rubbing circles on her upper arms. Her head bobs slowly, acknowledging that she heard me.

"Hey, Aidan?" she says after a while.

"Yeah, aegiya?"

She looks up at me expectantly. "Do you mind if I stay here for the night?" she asks nervously.

"What?" a surprised chuckle escapes my mouth.

Her eyes instantly dart to the ground, and she pulls away. "I'm sorry. I just don't really feel up to facing my roommates right now," she replies, shuffling her feet back and forth.

I internally kick myself for being so oblivious and run a hand through my hair. I bring her back in my arms and hug her tight. "No, no, no. I'm sorry, Faith. I didn't mean for it to come off as rude. I was just surprised for a second, that's all. Of course, you can stay the night."

We settle together on the futon, and she rests her head on my shoulder. I scoot her shoes towards the front door and lift her legs for her to lie more comfortably. My fingers lazily stroke her hair, each strand bouncing back to its original state.

Just as Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse ends, I look down to see her sound asleep and smile.

She's been causing me to do that a lot lately.

Careful not to wake her up, I carry Faith to my room and lay her on the bed. Then, dragging my own feet back to the living area, I collapse on the now laid-out futon, sleepiness and scattered emotions crashing over me like a wave.

2:33 a.m. Constant tossing and turning. Frantic "No's" being repeated over and over. Sobs filled with shallow, broken breaths. Immediately throwing the blankets from me, my body meets the cold, but the increasing adrenaline warms me up as I sweep open the door to my room.

"Faith? It's me, Aidan." I inch closer to her. "Is it fine for me to come and sit by you on the bed?"

A timid "Yes" sounds from under my sheets.

I ease onto the mattress and turn on my lamp to the lowest brightness setting. She's shaking. A lot. I should be more vocal and not rush anything after this. "Are you okay with any physical touch right now?"

A small head nod moves my pillow.

"I need a verbal confirmation, Faith."

She takes in a trembling breath. "I need you here with me."

I can do that. I reach over to my dresser and grab one of my folded tees from the dryer earlier tonight. Good, it's still warm. "Arms up for me, love." She pushes herself to a seated position, and I bring the shirt over her tank top. "Now, if you feel comfortable, I can stay here. If not, it's totally fine--"

An arm reaches out, and her hand grasps my forearm before I can get up.

"Please stay."

Of course. Anytime. Anywhere.

And I'm never letting go.

faith

A weighted blanket. His embrace has that same effect as a weighted blanket.

And I love that.

"That's my girl. Breathe in...breathe out."

"Nightmare...anxiety...panic...couldn't sleep..." I manage to croak out in between breaths, trying to explain everything at once.

His grip stays solid, grounding me. "I know, aegiya. Just stay with me, okay? You'll always be safe in this space, in my arms. Keep those complete breaths coming for me, yeah?"

As I stay enveloped in his hold, the pounding in my head decreases to a tolerable level, and per his instructions, I concentrate on creating even and steady breaths. The familiar smell of him lowers my anxious thoughts, and my breathing returns to a controlled pattern. My eyes begin to close, and with a final deep breath, my panicked state lowers to a calm standstill.