UNLOVING YOU [completed]

ULY #15

Mother

“I'm glad you already made a decision, Fio.” mahina at nakangiting sabi ni Mia. “Take care,” sabi niya bago pumasok sa sasakyan niya at umalis.

I let out a heavy breath before taking a step. Tiningnan ko ang bahay. This is it, there's no turning back, Fleur. You need to face them. For Vanilla.

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang pinto ng bahay at tiningnan kung may tao ba. I saw Rhysand sitting on the couch while staring on his phone. Nag-angat ito ng tingin at kita ko kung paano kuminang ang mga mata niya nang makita akong pumasok. He stood up and walked towards me. Bago pa man niya ako mayakap ay umatras ako at pinigilan siya.

He cleared his throat and look down.

“Si Vanilla?” tanong ko.

“Nasa eskwelahan pa siya. I'll fetch her  mamayang alas tres.” sagot niya sa akin.

Tumango-tango ako at umupo. Nilingon ko siya na ngayon ay hindi alam kung uupo ba sa tabi ko o sa ibang upuan siya uupo.

It's awkward. We just sat there and sometimes stare at each other. Mukha kaming teenagers na nahihiya sa isa't isa and I'm admitting that it's actually embarrassing.

“Fleur... I just—” hindi na niya natuloy ang sasabihin niya dahil hindi ko na siya pinatapos pa.

“I know, Rhys. And that's why I am here. To sort things out just the way you want.” I said.

Tumitig siya sa akin at bigla nalang nangilid ang mga luha niya.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry dahil hindi ko sinabi agad sa'yo na anak natin si Vanilla. I'm sorry that I—I betrayed you. And I'm sorry for forcing you to live with me.” sabi niya nang diretso habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko.

Betray? Is that what he thinks? That he betrayed me?

“I understand. I understand that now, Rhys. And you did not force me to live with you... dahil ginusto ko naman. I wanted to live with you. Actually, I still want to live a life with you even if it means being a mother to someone who's not mine.”

Dahil totoo naman. I was telling myself that he's forcing me and that hindi ko gusto ang ideang iyon. But the truth is, I was happy noong sinabi niyang titira ako sakaniya sa iisang bobong. Dahil iyon naman talaga ang hinihintay ko, ang pinapangarap ko noon pa. Kahit noong hindi ko pa alam na anak ko si Vanilla. I am willing to be her mother. I can learn to love her. I learned to love her. I love her.

Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay bigla bigla ko nalang siyang patatawarin. Being away from my daughter for five years hurts. Kasi para akong kinuhaan ng karapatan na maging ina sa anak ko.

“But that doesn't mean I will forgive you now. You took my daughter away from me for how many years. I can not forgive you that easily.” dagdag ko.

He nodded and smiled. “I understand, love. Naiintindihan kita.”

Doon na natapos ang usapan namin dahil umalis siya para kuhanin si Vanilla sa eskwelahan. Nagpapasalamat naman ako kasi para kaming nasa pinakatahimik na lugar at walang ibang ginawa kung hindi magtitinginan lang.

I roamed my eyes around. Ngayon ko lang na realize na hindi nagbago o hindi binago ang mga gamit at nandoon parin sa pwesto kong saan ko inilagay noong huli kong alis.  The family picture is the shiniest thing in this house, mas malinis pa sa sahig. Akala mo talaga minu-minuto nililinisan.

Pumasok ako sa kwarto namin at ganoon pa rin. Ang mga gamit ko ay hindi inalis at ang mga damit ko ay malinis ang pagka ayos. I smiled and close the door. Sunod namang pinuntahan ko ay ang kwarto ni Vanilla. May limang picture frame sa tabi ng higaan niya, tatlong malalaki at dalawang maliliit. A picture of us three, a picture of her and her father, a picture of me and her, and a picture of Rhysand and me in different frame. Napangiti nalang ako at umupo sa kama niya. Dahan-dahan akong humiga at hindi namalayang nakatulog.

I woke up when I heard the sound of Rhysand's car. Nagmamadali kong inayos ang sarili at ang damit dahil medyo nagusot ito. Dahan-dahan akong bumaba dahil takot ako. Because I am afraid that when I show myself to them, Vanilla won't talk to me or even look at me because she probably... hates me. Sino ba namang hindi magagalit sa isang ina na iniwan ang anak niya sa loob ng limang taon? So if she does hate me, I understand her.

Humawaka ako sa dingding at pinakinggan ang pinag-uusapan ng mag-ama. I peeked and saw Rhysand holding his daughter's hand while they're both standing in the living room. Vanilla roved her teary innocent eyes around the house and tilted her head to look at her father.

“Daddy you said mommy is here? Where is she? Bakit wala po siya dito?” tanong ni Vanilla.

Hindi sumagot si Rhysand. Tumingin ako sakanila nang patago at nakita kong kinakabahan siya. Umiwas ng tingin si Vanilla sa tatay niya at yumuko.

“Maybe she doesn't want me? K-Kaya siya umalis ulit.” mahinang sabi ni Vanilla.

Lumuhod si Rhysand at hinawakan ang magkabilang braso ng anak namin. Umiling siya at hinawakan ang mukha ng anak niya.

“Don't say that, baby. Your mother loves you. Baka may pinuntahan lang at babalik lang din 'yon. Let's wait, okay?” he said as he wiped his daughter's tears.

Malalim akong bumuntong-hininga at kumuha ng lakas bago lumabas sa tinataguan.

“Vanilla...”

“I'm here, baby.” I softly said as I walked towards my daughter.

Lumingon sa akin si Vanilla at nakita ko ang namamasa niyang mga mata habang nakatingin sa akin na papalapit. Tumakbo papunta sa akin si Vanilla at mahigpit na niyakap ako sa beywang. I looked at Rhysand, nakatingin din siya sa amin na may kaunting ngiti sa labi.

I heard Vanilla's muffled sobs and saw her shoulders shaking.

“Where have you been, mommy? I-I though you left again. I thought you didn't want me, Mommy.” she cried.

I bit my lower lip and kneel para maayos ko siyang maka usap. Tumingala ako sakaniya  at nakayuko naman siyang nakatingin sa akin habang pumapatak ang mga luha. I pulled her for a tighter hug as my tears started to fall.

“No, baby. Mommy loves you. I will never leave you again. Mommy will stay by your side always, okay?” I said, caressing her hair.

“I-I-I waited for you, mommy. I waited. P-Please don't leave me again.” her voice cracked.

Hindi ko kakayaning mawalay ka ulit sa akin anak. Mamamatay muna ako bago mangyare 'yon.

“D-Dito ka lang, mommy.”

“Nandito lang ako, anak. Dito lang ako.” I whispered.