IN LOVE WITH YOU [SLOW UPDATES]

26

~PAM~

I looked at the young man sitting in front of me. He was tall, muscular, with a well-shaped jawline. Tattoos peeked out from the sleeves of his bomber leather jacket. He had his ears pierced and wore something like a small silver earring in one of the ear. I looked at his face again and caught him smiling at me.

Creep!

I shouldn't have looked at him. And what was he doing at the therapist's in the first place? He should be out there, fighting over a stupid thing in some bar. I flipped out my cell phone from the pocket of my warm fur coat and started scrolling feeds on Instagram. Everyone looked so happy, living the best of their lives. #familylove #vacation #friendsforever #couplegoals. Was there anything other than cheerful people on this app? I opened my profile to check the last post I had shared with the world. A selfie with Phi, almost a month back. I wish I could bring back that time. I shut the phone and sighed. Not a day passed when I didn't think about him. That night at the hospital, I could still remember every moment. I didn't want to, though. But my brain was haywire- it kept reminding me of things I wanted to forget.

"David," the attendant called out and the creepy man stood up. He flashed me another smile. I regretted the moment I had looked at him again. I turned my eyes away, towards the door of the therapist's large furnished cabin, and saw a familiar person walking out.

Omer..

What was he doing here? He looked down as he walked out of the room like he was counting something on the floor. So engrossed he was in his world that he walked out of the building quietly without looking at anyone. If this was his state coming out of the cabin, imagine him before he talked to the therapist. Moreover, he was dressed in large loose clothes, which made him look more sad. My therapist at home always insisted on dressing up properly every day. She said 'If you dress good, you feel good.'

After waiting for another couple of minutes, the attendant called out my name in her sweet little voice. That creep walked out of the cabin as I walked in, but I avoided looking at him. His session ended quite early. Probably he just came here for the free coffee and doughnuts.

"How are you feeling, Pam?" Dr Lana asked. I had settled in the warm, safe space Dr Lana had created for her patients. She had a good vibe oozing out of her all the time. The best thing about her was that she never rushed to conclusions, and I felt comfortable talking to her, which is strange since it's hard for me to open up.

"Is there someone you trust, Pam?" she asked after a few minutes after our session started.

"Yes.. a friend of mine."

"Anyone else?" she asked again with a straight face.

I opened my mouth to say 'Dad', but I paused to think about it for a moment. Did I really trust him with everything in my life? I know he loves me, but there is something unsettling in our relation that I can't figure out. Maybe I remind him of my Mom, the person who wrecked his life.

"No, maybe.. I don't know," I whispered. The doctor noted down something in her diary, probably trust issues.

"Why do you think you trust your friend?"

"Because he never judged me. And he has been anything but good to me, always."

"What about the others? Do they judge you?" she asked again.

I nodded. "Every time."

"Did you have friends before you joined the university here?"

"One friend. But she doesn't talk to me now," I replied, thinking about those dreadful high school days.

"Why not?"

"Her mother didn't want her to talk to me." I looked down at my black boots. The doctor didn't jump up with another question and there was silence for a minute. "Her name is Saki. She had changed school when her parents shifted to the city from a small village. No one talked to her because they said she was low class."

"And you talked to her?"

"I talked to no one." I tear crept to the corner of my eyes.

"Why?"

"In the middle grade, I was foolish enough to tell my friends some things about my childhood. They went around my back, gossiping about all the details to others. It was not long before I was called the junkie's girl in school. That was my popular name. Since then, I made no friends and talked to no one, not even my father. They judged me when I wore something good. They laughed at me when I spoke up in class." I heaved out a large breath. "It was the worst time. I had so many panic attacks, sometimes even in the middle of the class, but everyone just saw me and laughed."

I grabbed a tissue from the box lying on the side table. "I met Saki for the first time in the high school washroom. She saw me weeping and panting at the same time. She helped me that day. And then we started talking. At first we were two outcast girls in the school, giving each other company, but later we became good friends. She must have heard about me from somewhere, but she still talked to me. And she never judged me."

"Saki seems like a nice person," Dr Lana said with a smile.

I smiled back at her, fighting back the tears. "She was the best. She told me not to bother about what others said, not to pay heed to their laughs. And then I started studying with her. My average grades got better, my panic attacks reduced. She literally saved me, helped me strengthen my dwindling confidence."

"So, what changed between you two?"

"Nothing changed between us. She just had to fulfil her mother's wish in school. They couldn't bear their kid talking to me. And now we are continents apart. But we still call each other sometimes, wish on birthdays and festivals. We couldn't meet after the school, though."

**

I thought about Saki on the journey back home. I opened my Instagram again and searched for her profile. She was standing under a pink cherry blossom tree, smiling ear to ear. She looked beautiful. The girl from the small village had gone a long way from studying with a bunch of crappy kids to studying in the best University in China with a full scholarship.

I'll be grateful to her forever.

Before going to bed, I opened my journal and tick marked the tasks that were done today. I had scribbled small motivating quotes in my journal on every page, something to read and pump up my energy. These small things were the tiny logs of wood that helped me stay afloat somehow in this ocean of helplessness. I loved to scribble my tasks and goals on those white blank pages. I've been doing this for one month and they have really made me feel better. Unlike the first few days, I didn't have to think much before writing my thoughts now. It all happened subconsciously.

With a steady hand, I started penning the words down..

TASKS FOR TOMORROW:

● Make up the bed

● Freshen up and get dressed

● Exercise

● Eat healthy

● Don't use social media for a long time

● Study three hours

● Complete microeconomics assignment

GOALS:

● Get good grades this semester

● Try to talk to people

● Explore a new place on Sunday

● Phi..

Wait...why did I write his name?