and when i break (it's in a million pieces) - a kanej fic

Part 4

5 years ago:

Kaz and Inej wandered the slick cobblestone streets, winding through alleys and side streets before making their way, slowly, to the Geldstraat. She knew that they were both attempting to delay their arrival at the Van Eck-Fahey home. Not that she wasn't ecstatic to see Jesper and Wylan (and Nina once she'd arrived), but she'd missed this.

She'd missed wandering the streets with Kaz and hearing the details of the Dreg's activity, gathering intel on new merchers and possible traffickers. She'd missed the ease, the quiet comfort, the knowing without saying. Even after all her years at sea, she'd never found this with anyone else.

Her body was attuned to Kaz-- it craved him. He quieted her mind. He quickened her heart.

They walked for a while in comfortable silence, passed coffee houses and bakeries, from the Lid to East Stave. The streets began to grow more crowded, and Inej wished for a moment that they could take the rooftops like she used to.

Kaz didn't try to make small talk, and she didn't offer a conversation either. They always did this after she came back, talking without speaking, getting acclimated to the other's presence.

A subtle reknowing of another soul.

They never lost each other, but time and distance worked as time and distance do. They change people. Dirtyhands and the Wraith were no exception. Sometimes she thought that she'd gotten so used to missing him that she didn't know what to do with herself when they were together again. But then he'd brush a single finger against the curve of her wrist, or he'd smile at her with softened eyes, and her heart remembered.

He'd given her so much of himself these past six years.

She thought that he was trying to give himself away until there was no more left of him to give. She didn't know what he intended to do at that point, maybe nothing, maybe become someone else. But she liked the Kaz he was now. He was still brutal, and cruel, and everything he'd always been. But he was different too, smoother -- a jagged shard of glass cast out to sea, only to wash up on the same shore with gentler edges. He wasn't soft or kind, but he was some amalgamation of circumstance and nature that reached a halfway point in his heart. Art out of malice.

Sometimes Inej caught him staring. It would be in the small moments; when she perched on his upstairs windowsill, feeding the crows that still congregated outside the wooden ledge, or at dinner with Wylan and Jesper, laughing and content. She could feel his eyes track the sweep of her dark hair to the curve of her neck, and back up to her face.

She thought Kaz might've known that she knew. He never looked away.

In those moments, Inej tried to show him her joy. How her love for him, for all of them, went soul deep. In return, he'd usually brush his knee against hers under the table-- a silent surety.

It's okay, it would say, We're okay.

Tonight, however, they traversed the lower districts. As they made their way through East Stave and the Barrel, Inej couldn't help but be reminded that this crowded, cluttered, vengeful city and the equally vengeful boy beside her were her home.

Suddenly, she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, almost as if sensing another presence. Whipping her head around, she scanned the street, searching for any potential threat. Kaz had stopped walking too and was looking around, alert. When he looked at her, a question in his eyes, she just shook her head. She wasn't used to the city, not after the long months at sea.

Inej jerked her head forward, and after a moment, they continued walking. She noted with some interest that the Emerald Palace, now the Silver Six, seemed to be booming with business. The line snaked down the block, stopping only at the next corner, and laughing and joyous shouting could be heard from inside.

She spotted Pim patrolling outside, and he shot her a wink when she waved.

When she pointed out the club's prosperity to Kaz, he'd only smiled and, after a moment, took her hand.

Physical touch was so much easier between them now, but they both had their bad days, even when they were together. There were days where Inej needed a pillow between them when they slept, where Kaz couldn't stand less than two feet away from her. They snapped at each other, got angry, grew sad. She knew Kaz got frustrated when he couldn't give her all he wanted to, but Inej didn't mind. She wanted him, all of him, every twisted, broken piece.

Because, in the end, they always came back to each other.

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