and when i break (it's in a million pieces) - a kanej fic

Part 11

Present day:

The cruelest thing was how Kaz and Matthias had died mere weeks from each other.

There was no reprieve, no time for somber recollection then recovery. They hurdled straight from one mournful day to another.

Inej's knees dug into the jagged cobblestones of the alley. She knelt, as if in prayer, and stared at the marred stone, at the KB engraved in jagged strokes.

She had cut it into the stone with her own dagger, Sanka Marya, the first day she left Ketterdam after his death. It had terribly dulled the blade, nearly ruined it, but she hadn't cared. In those days, she didn't care much for anything.

"I thought I'd find you here."

Nina's voice sounded from somewhere to her left. Inej had known she'd come, had heard her when she stepped into the alley. There was no point in greeting her. They both knew why they were here. Sometimes shared grief was stronger than even their love for each other.

Nina's hand came to rest on Inej's shoulder, and she leaned into the touch.

She'd known that Nina and Hanne's boat would've docked by now and assumed that they would've made their way to the house, where Wylan and Jesper would've been waiting to tell them what happened. What she hadn't expected, however, was for Nina to come after her.

Usually, in these moments, the others left her alone. They understood that her grief was too private to express publically, even to them. But Nina was different. Nina was her closest friend, an unwavering companion, and the only one who could truly understand what she was feeling.

She was grateful for her presence.

They stayed as they were for a long time, the only noises being those of city movement several streets down.

"How do you do it?" she asked suddenly, her words soft, "How do you keep living after it? After him."

Nina laughed without humor.

"Sometimes, I don't,"

Inej turned her head, just barely, to catch a glimpse of her friend. Her light brown hair hung in loose waves, her green eyes alight in the dark, but her face was drawn.

Inej put her hand over Nina's, centering her.

"There are still days when I can't get out of bed, where the grief is too paralyzing for even Hanne to soothe, though they try,"

Nina shook her head with a wry smile, before the expression fell and her eyes turned sad once more,

"Sometimes I see a little red bird in the palace gardens, or smell sweetbread baking in an oven, and I'm back here on that night, and my hands are red, and his skin is cold, and I can't feel his pulse anymore. It destroys me, a little each time," She closed her eyes briefly, pained.

"Zoya has found me sobbing next to a rose bush more times than I can count," she snorted,

"Which is always fun,"

Inej chuckled, the sound hollow and a little awkward, but the sharp protrusion of grief in her chest dulled a little.

"I can imagine that Her Majesty is probably pretty terrifying,"

Nina huffed, "She looks like a startled doe half the time, and the other half she walks by without saying anything. Much love from the queen of Ravka,"

Inej smiled weakly and said nothing.

Nina inhaled a fortifying breath and continued, "But I try to remember the good things. Like how he said my name and his laugh in those first few days on the ice,"