and when i break (it's in a million pieces) - a kanej fic

Part 12

5 years ago:

The five of them remained as they were, circled around the body of a boy they'd all grown to love.

Inej's sobs had subsided into numb disbelief. She couldn't feel her body. It was like every nerve in her had been switched off. She wasn't sure if she was even breathing anymore. It felt like she had died right beside him.

After what felt like hours, she saw Jesper motion to Wylan-- tear tracks staining his face-- and they silently made their way up the street. They returned a little while later, a dusty stretcher carried between them.

"Inej," Jesper's voice was rusty when he spoke, "We need to move him,"

She didn't move, didn't speak. She gave no indication she'd heard him.

"Inej," Nina's voice was muffled in her hair, "It's not safe to stay here. We need to take him home,"

At that, Inej regained enough control of her body to force herself to stand up. She got to her feet with shaking limbs. She still didn't speak as Jesper and Wylan lifted Kaz's body onto the stretcher. The ground beneath him had rusted red.

Nina left Inej's side long enough to close his eyes.

Straightening his tie, Nina murmured, "No mourners,"

"No funerals," the rest replied.

Inej remained silent. She wasn't sure she was capable of speaking.

As Jesper and Wylan lifted the stretcher, she watched as Kaz's limp hand fell to the side. She went to him then, and without looking at his face, took his ungloved hand.

It was cold to the touch.

They began to walk.

Inej made it all of three feet before she collapsed.

-

When she woke again, it was morning, and she was on the couch in the mansion's living room, the rest of the group, minus Jesper, stood around her. For a moment, she forgot why they were looking at her with such blatant pity that it made her skin crawl.

And then she remembered.

Inej looked to Nina first, and Nina nodded her head-- a silent confirmation that her worst nightmare wasn't a nightmare at all.

Someone had washed the blood from her hands and changed her clothes.

Inej couldn't breathe. She started gasping and choking on air that wasn't there. Her chest squeezed painfully tight.

Nina put a hand on her shoulder and it took all of Inej's willpower to shake her off instead of slap her hand away. Shaking her head, she looked straight ahead, unblinking. Kaz had been the only one who'd been able to truly see her, even when she tried to disappear. Now, more than ever, she wished she could slink into the shadows. But even the Wraith couldn't disappear if she had nowhere to go.

Suddenly, Jesper appeared in the doorway. His shirt was rumpled and had come partially untucked from his slacks, collar half turned up. His face was puffy and his brown eyes were hollowed. His easy, loping stride had disappeared, replaced with stiff, stilted movements. He saw her staring and mustered up a half-smile.

It didn't reach his eyes.

He looked how Inej felt-- destroyed.

"Anika's here," his voice was hoarse, as if he'd been screaming.