and when i break (it's in a million pieces) - a kanej fic

Part 7

Present day:

Inej tugged a chain from beneath her blouse, on which hung a single, silver band. The engraving on the band was simple but clear; a dagger and a crow. The two of them, immortalized in silver.

With shaking hands, she slipped the band onto her ring finger without removing it from the chain. She let her breathing even out as she twisted the ring back and forth. The cool, familiar press of metal on skin centered her.

Tentatively, she swallowed past the lump in her throat, and still holding onto the ring, she stepped onto the bridge. She thought there might be more knots than the last time she was here, but she couldn't truly tell. Knots fell off and were added all the time, a cycle of fresh and forgotten prayer. She made her way to a cluster of fraying knots near the railing on the right side of the bridge. She and her crew usually tied their knots here and had their prayers answered, but it was impossible to tell which ones were theirs anymore.

The entire bridge was a graveyard of fraying hope.

She wasn't sure if she believed in the knots themselves, but it was tradition. If she was honest with herself, she wasn't sure what she believed in anymore. She hadn't prayed in years.

Trust Kaz Brekker to be the only one capable of shaking her belief in her Saints.

As she made her way across the bridge, Inej tried to keep her head high. There were others milling on both shores, and she could nearly spot the hulking mass of the Exchange ahead, a monument to greed, a testament to the power of coin.

Even all these years later (going on 11, she realized with a shudder), the memories from the night of the Auction still brought a smile to her face. It had been controlled chaos, Kaz's favorite kind, each member of the group split in separate directions with one intention in mind -- take down Van Eck.

Looking back on it, she couldn't believe that they'd pulled it off. They'd gotten Kuweii out alive (who was now living comfortably in Novyi Zem with a new boyfriend-- or so Nina had reported) had taken down Jan Van Eck, and drove Pekka Rollins out of the city -- never to be heard from again. And yet they'd lost too. Matthias's death was still a wound on her heart. She hadn't known him that long, but it was clear how much he'd loved Nina. Inej had seen the capability for incredible change in his big Fjerdan heart. Losing him had felt like losing a piece of her family -- one found and lost just as quickly.

She grieved for him and for Nina, her dear friend. Matthias's death had broken her, but with the strength of a thousand others, she'd pulled herself back together again-- set in her mission to honor his legacy. She'd found Hanne, fallen in love, gotten married.

But, even still. Inej remembered the night a few years ago where both of them had been back in Ketterdam. It had been the first time she'd returned to the city in two years.

She was worse at dealing with the grief and guilt then. For a time, she prayed and found solace in her Saints and her hunt for slavers. She found company within her crew, contentment out at sea. But she had forgotten what happiness tasted like.

So, when Inej had knocked on the door to her room, and a red-eyed, frizzy-haired Nina answered, they both had known. It was one of the only times Inej had ever gotten drunk. She hated the feeling-- it made her sluggish and dulled her senses -- two things not good for the Wraith or for a captain. She knew she still had enemies on the Ketterdam streets, but for that night she couldn't bring herself to care.

She needed the pain to stop, and the barkeep three blocks away had been more than happy to supply her with drink until her eyes grew heavy and she slipped into the merciful black.

She'd been full of regret the next morning when a furious Jesper and a very worried Wylan and Hanne had pulled the two of them from the bar. It was one of the only times Inej had ever seen Jesper genuinely mad.