In the Stars ( A Sprace fan fiction)

Chapter 35: Conflict. Pure Conflict.

Spot's POV

"But...I mean he has to live. There can't be an 'I don't know!' He has to!" Albert's getting fuckin hysterical. Well, maybe not hysterical, but I think he gets how I feel now. I'm fuckin done with all of this. I'm done with living knowin I did this! I'm done with fucking everything up! Race has to find someone who won't fuck up his life. He has to fine someone who doesn't put him in danger over and over again!...I can't stay in his life...

    I'm stormin past Albert and Elmer. Knowing this is gonna be the last time I ever leave this place hurts even worse than I thought. I just can't keep hurtin him. Now I'm crying. Great. I'm a such a fucking wimp...why can't I get off the front step...he's not doin this ta me...I'm not gonna fuckin let him. MOVE! PLEASE!

    I need him though. He's my Racer...fuck, why can't this be easy!?

    "Spot! Where the fuck has you been!?" Stupid Hot Shot and his horrible speech.

    "None ya..." I stand up and wipe my tears.

    "Spot, now ain't the time ta be smart with me! Seriously!"

    "And now ain't the time ta ask me questions."

    "SPOT!"

    "WHAT!? WHAT IS SO FUCKING INTERESTING ABOUT WHY I'VE BEEN GONE!?"

    "BECAUSE WE'S BEEN SCARED!"

    "I DON'T FUCKIN CARE!"

    "YES YOU DO! I KNOW YOU DO!"

    "YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME!"

    "YES I DO! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GONNA PRETEND THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!?"

    "PRETEND WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!?"

    "THE NIGHT YOU TOLD ME EVERYTHING! THE NIGHT YOU FUCKED ME!!!" That. Fucking. Bitch.

    "You didn't just go there. I KNOW you didn't just go there."

    "Yeah. I just did."

    "Fuck you." I punch him so hard it knocks him ta the ground. He has a kinda sick look on his face. He looks both disappointed and like he feels dumb.

"What about 'I'll never leave you'..." his eyes are watering and his voice is raspy. He can't do this to me...he fucking can't!

"Hot Shot...I'm doing everything in my power to not hurt you right now...you still mean a lot ta me...but I'm with Race now. That's why I've been gone. You done?" His heart just shattered. I can tell.

"Ok...yeah...I'm um...I'm gonna go back..." Fuck!

"Ok. I can't stop ya. Just...don't say or do anything dumb. Please."

"Ok...I'll....see you tomorrow I guess..."

"Ok." I hate myself. First I fuck things up with Race, and now my best friend. I plop back down on the front step and watch him walk away...it's like he doesn't have a soul left. I knew how hard shits been for him and ta go and to that-

"Spot? What are you doing?" Guess Elmer's finally awake.

"What's it look like?"

"I dunno..." he's sittin next ta me now. Great. "I know you're scared tha-"

"I'm not scared."

"Ok...I'm sorry...I know that you're worried about Race and you think you led him into the fire...but you didn't. You really didn't...Race hadn't been doin all that good before you..."

"W-whaddya mean?"

    "Um...he had been just really really down...Albie was trying his hardest just ta keep him alive...I was too. He tried ta look happy, but we saw right through it..."

"So what you're sayin is I made it worse. Great"

"What!? No! That's not what I said! You made him better Spot! I could see it! His smile was genuine and he actually got some sleep! The way he looked at you...that couldn't have said anything but love..."

"While I love how much you're trying to make me feel better, there's not much you're gonna be able to do."

    "So...you're just gonna give up? You're gonna leave him?"

    "I never said that. When did I say that?"

    "Basically this whole time! And you were gonna leave! You were gonna leave him when he needs you the most!"

    "I'm just hurting him Elmer!"

    "That's it. Get up."

    "Uh no. You don't tell me what ta-"

    "I know. You're the big bad Spot Conlon who doesn't get bossed around bullshit and if I do you're gonna 'soak me' just get up." Since when did Elmer... "Now!!!"

    "Ok! Ok! Geez!" Albert's ruining that kid. I swear ta god. Well he's not gonna let it go, so there's no point tryin ta get outta it. It's not like I don't wanna see him! I wanna be there more than anything...I just...I'm done hurting him...

    "Racer..?" Fuck. I just remembered. He told me ta leave him-

"Spot? Spot!" Huh!? I'm goin over to him.

"Yeah baby! It's ok! I'm right here!"

"I-I didn't want you ta go...I need you...I c-can't sleep alone..."

"Ok! That's ok! There's no need for tears" I cup his face. "Do you want me in bed with you or next to you? I could sleep near the window if you want me further?"

"I-in bed..." Damn. Fuckin Elmer.

"Ok. If you get uncomfortable you have to tell me though, ok?" He nods

"Mhmm" I smile a bit and get in bed with him. He immediately clings onto me. I missed holding him way too much...

"I've got ya baby...I've got ya...try ta get some sleep my love..." he nods and closes his eyes. Guess he needs me after all...I really thought I was just messing everything up...I really did...not that I would ever wanna leave him. I mean he's all I got left...he's all I've ever really wanted. The fact that he trusts me ta keep him safe after all he just went through...I can't even find the words. Not even in my brain!

Hot Shot though...I have no fucking clue what I'm gonna do with that...I do feel horrible. I really do. But it's his fault. I told him not to get attached and then whaddya know! He's comin ta me like this! I hate him. I hate him with everything I have. If he really wanted me then he shoulda took me when he had the chance cause there's no way I'm leavin Racer. My Racer. My Racer who makes me actually feel like I belong in this shitty ass city. I've never felt love before him. I'm not throwin that away for someone who just makes me feel guilty over and over again. I've had feelings for Hot Shot. I'm not gonna deny that. But it's just not safe. Nothing is...

Hey! I'm so SO incredibly sorry for my disappearance...again...but um I'm here! I'm back! I just needed a bit is all! And no I promise I didn't forget about this. I just didn't have the energy or time. A lot's going on but I'm gonna do better to manage my time! I really home everyone's doing ok and I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! There'll be more to come!!