Lies and Empty Promises

could've, should've

A/N: words: 2045. ahahaha this fic is painful. lolzies. anyway, enjoy!

Sam's truck rolled onto the gravel road, and a wave of nostalgia hit him. He caught glimpses of his childhood, memories pooling into his mind. He hears the sound of a door open and turns to see his sister rushing out of the house. Sam can't help but grin as he opens the truck door and jumps out, almost getting tackled by his sister. He breathed out a few laughs, and hears her laugh as well. "What the hell took you so long?"

Sam sighed, and they broke apart, walking into the house. "I've, uh, I've been busy." Sam said quietly, and Sarah could see that something was wrong, but she didn't bring it up. Not yet, at least. "Boys." Sarah called out as they walked into the kitchen. Sam had to steady himself against the wall as his eyes darted around the room. He hadn't been here, since, he doesn't know. Probably since AJ was 1, maybe 1 and a half. "Uncle Sam? Uncle Sam!" Cass called out as he rushed down the stairs, AJ on his heel. Sam's breath hitched. He couldn't believe it. They were grown up. When he last saw them, in person, AJ could barely talk, and Cass never stopped talking. Now, now they were grown up. And Sam missed it. He missed everything. Of course. He didn't even recognize them.

He felt 2 pairs of arms wrap around him, and he thought that he would be okay. Because he's got family again. Something he hasn't had for a long time, if the past few months are any indication.

~~~~~~~~

It was clear that AJ and Cass' memory of him was a bit foggy. Little things that hit Sam right where it hurt. They were a little shy, no, actually, they were really shy. They were hesitant to invite him to play on their PS4, they were a bit quiet when they talked to him.

And it was the worst thing Sam's had to experience. It hurt more than any bullet, any blade. It hit him in the heart, and his heart has taken a beating in the past few days. Sam knew it wasn't his fault, whether he heard himself tell him that or Bucky, he didn't know.

Some part of Sam's brain replayed the words Bucky said to him. They wouldn't blame you. With everything that you have to deal with, they could never blame you. Our life is so unfair, every part of it, that it's really hard to blame us for what has happened. He didn't know how to feel about it.

But he did know, after years of struggling with guilt, with grief, he finally was back home. He wouldn't miss any more of his nephews lives, and he would stay by Sarah's side for as long as he could. Because she needed him, and frankly, he needed her.

Right now, he sat in the old spare room, staring at the floor. How could he have done this? He missed huge parts of his family's life, and why? Because he put everyone in front of himself and his family. He was an avenger, to protect people. He was snapped from existence, because they couldn't do it. They couldn't protect people this time. Before that, he was busy pouring his heart and soul into that damn relationship. He spent a year with Bucky, having his back, lying for him, just for Bucky to throw it all away for a giant dinner plate.

Sam hadn't noticed Sarah knocking at the door, he hadn't noticed her sit down. He hadn't even noticed he was crying until he felt her soft touch brushing away the tears. "Sam." she said softly, her tone wasn't one with pity, for the most part, it was one with sympathy. Sam smiled sadly, still not meeting her eyes, instead his eyes followed as her hand fell from his face to her lap. "I don't blame you, and neither do they." god, Sarah knew exactly what he was thinking. "But I do."

"Don't." Sarah said firmly, and Sam knew he shouldn't. He knew it would hurt him even more if he kept blaming himself. "I don't- I don't know what to do, Sar." Sam muttered weakly. "I feel like you do. You gotta- you gotta make yourself present. They missed you. When you stopped calling, when we found out that you were going on the run, they never stopped asking when you'd call again. They really missed you, Sam."