Rip My Heart Out

Chapter Twenty-Six

Calum stares at me intently as I tell him the events that happened the night before.

"Wait, so you did like it?" He raises on eyebrow.

I shake my head. "Yes. No. I liked it in the moment but now I just feel like I've sinned and God is mad at me."

"Yeah, well God probably isn't mad at you and if you liked it in the moment you probably are gay. There is one way to find out though."

Unsure of what he means I ask "How?"

He stands up from his bed and turns to face me, "You could always have sex with a girl."

The words shock me and the thought of intercourse with anyone at all makes my stomach hurt. "No, I can't do that. I'm not married, it's a sin." I rush out.

"Ashton, look at everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks. If God was going to strike you down with lightening for sinning, he'd have done it already."

I bite my lip, nervous. Calum's right, it's the only way I can know if last night was just impulse or if I really do like boys.

Reluctant, I agree.

•

A blonde girl with pale legs and green eyes arrives at my door. Her name is Ellie and she apparently used to go to school with Calum.

"Are you Ashton?" She smiles when I answer the door. I nod. she's wearing a white sundress that goes above her knees. I wonder if Calum told her the motives behind this 'date'.

"I'm Ellie. Calum said you were taking me to watch fireworks." Her excited tone surprises me.

Every summer for a couple of weeks, people in town get together and put on a firework show that's visible from the park. People bring blankets and lay out watching the stars until the show begins. Some couples spend the whole night there. Calum thought it'd set the mood.

"Oh, yeah. It's nice to meet you." I softly smile. She's a pretty girl.

She holds my hand while we walk. Her hand feels small and fragile in mind. "Do you like fireworks?" She asks.

I nod, I'm trying to think of things to say to her so I don't seem rude but it isn't working. Most of the walk is silent until we reach the park.

"Let's sit over here, there's not many people around." She leads me by my hand to a small area in the grass.

I sit down first and she follows, sitting so close our legs touch.

Everything starts running through my head at once, Luke, Calum, my parents, God, this girl.

I think she notices I'm uncomfortable because she rests her hand on my knee. It only makes me more anxious.

I wish I was normal, I wish I liked her hand on my leg and I wish I wanted to kiss her.

I decide the only way I'll want it is if I do it. I turn my head to face her and she immediately does the same. I connect our lips.

Kissing her feels different.

She puts a thin hand to my face and I do what Calum said to, touch her by putting my hand on her upper thigh. She lets out a quiet, high pitched moan and It takes me by surprise.

Her long hair keeps getting caught in my fingers when I try to put my hand on the back of her neck.

Luke does it all so easy.

She pulls away first and smiles at me, her smile having gone from innocent to seductive in a matter of minutes.

Without saying a word, she slides the straps of her dress off her shoulders and let's it fall down a little, revealing her breasts.

I quickly look away. The words that were said in church play in my head like a broken record. "Sex before marriage is a sin."

"Are you okay?"

I look back at her and she looks worried, I give a fake smile. "Just nervous."

She grabs one of my hands and leads it to her chest but I quickly pull it away without even realizing it. She frowns.

"Are you not interested in me?" Her words sound hurt and she starts pulling her dress up again.

I sigh, "You're very pretty and I'm sure you're good at this stuff but there's someone else who I can't stop thinking about and I don't want to do this to you, it doesn't seem fair."

She puts a hand on my shoulder and flashes a sympathetic smile, "If I just did that and you're still thinking about someone else, they're probably important and you should be with them right now, not me.

I smile at how understanding she is. "You're really nice, Ellie." She playfully pushes my shoulder.

I thank her and start for the only white farm house on the road behind the bookstore.