Rip My Heart Out

Chapter Five

"Now, remember. Be nice, smile, and don't let her touch you." My mother repeats for the third time as she tries to tame my hair.

I nod, I'm not really looking forward to this date either but I have to do it and I might as well do it with a smile on my face.

"Honey, where is your brother?" My mother now turns and asks my father who's leaning in the doorframe. My father's smile drops slightly and he says "He must be running late." Or he doesn't care.

The sun is low in the sky when I leave to meet Claire for our 'date'.

We both arrive at the ice cream parlor around the same time. She smiles wide, "Hey, Ashton." She leans in and hugs me. I hold my breath as she presses herself close to me "Hi. Happy birthday."

"Thanks!" She's wearing bright pink lip gloss. "What kind of ice cream do you like?" She asks as she turns to face the counter where a teenager looks bored out of his mind in a silly work uniform.

"Uh, mostly any kind." I shrug.

She orders for the both of us, strawberry with sprinkles for herself and birthday cake flavored for me. We sit in a booth and I listen as she tells me about how her summers been, about all the new rock and roll records her aunt bought her for her birthday that her dad doesn't approve of. My father wouldn't even let me listen to them.

The entire time she's talking all I can think about is my confrontation with Luke before. How upset it had made me, I was kind of embarrassed.

"Ashton?"

I look up.

"Is it okay if I sit on that side with you? It's kind of cold in here." She smiles playfully.

"Sure." I shrug.

She swiftly switches sides, pushing up close next to me. I awkwardly smile and she giggles.

She grabs my hand from under the table and places it on her knee. I freeze.

I tense up and I'm sure she can tell I'm nervous but doesn't care.

"You have soft hands." She slides my hand further up her thigh.

"Uh. Thanks. I. We should. I think I, let's get you home."

She looks disappointed and huffs. "What are you, gay?"

I stare at her as she stands up. "Why don't you wanna be with me?"

"I'm not gay." I say. I'm not gay.

"Faggot." She spits as she storms out of the shop not even listening to me.

I sigh as I clean up our mess on the table and start to head home myself.

The walk there is cold and lonely. I'm not gay.

I have no idea my I'm so bothered by her accusation. She's just a whore. She doesn't know anything.

I apologize for my rude thoughts and distract myself with singing on the rest of my walk.

As I approach my door I notice an extra car in our yard. Great. I'll have to share a room with Harry tonight.

My uncle, surprisingly, is asleep on the couch when I walk in. The house is dark and everyone else is already asleep too, it's after 8:00 so I'm not surprised.

I sneak past Harry's room and silently shut my own door.

"Dear lord, Thank you for this day. I am thankful for my family and friends and everything you have given me. I pray for the well being of every creature you have created, even the bad ones. Amen."

I crawl into bed and close my eyes with no problem falling asleep.

~

Tap

Tap

Tap

I sit up in my bed, and look over and my window.

Tap

I look out the window and at the same time I see a figure drive away. On a motorcycle. Great. I notice a small package visible by the front porch light.

I wrap a blanket around myself and tiptoe down the stairs, past my uncle, to the porch.

It's small and rectangular, wrapped in brown paper. As I pick it up I realize what it is, it's a cassette tape.

It's pitch black outside, besides the one light. I'm not even sure what time it is.

My uncle is snoring loudly when I lock the front door. I stare at him a minute, he looks like my dad but older, like he's been through more In life. He shifts and quickly head back up the stairs.

My clock reads 4:38.

I retrieve my tape player from under my bed and replace the church one inside with the new one. I know father said not to listen to anything he didn't approve first but I can't help but listen.

I lay down and press play.

At first all I hear is heavy breathing and I'm confused. Then words. "I saw you."

No. My stomach drops. What was I expecting really, I saw him drop it off but I didn't know it'd be his voice. I didn't know his voice would scare me like this, make me nervous.

"I saw you with her, I saw your hand and I heard what she said. 'Faggot'."

The last word stings. I didn't even see him there, was he that close that he heard everything.

"But we both know she isn't wrong."

"I'm not gay." I whisper.

I can hear his laugh on the other end of the tape.

His breathing gets heavier.

I lay on my back and listen, I can hear an unfamiliar noise in the background. He sighs. I turn the volume up.

His breaths are quick, sharp, heavy. Then it hits me.

"Ahh."

I close my eyes tight and reach for the headphones but I don't stop listening just yet.

I even think I hear a shallow "fuck." escape his lips.

As he gets louder my cheeks get warmer, something strange starts happening to me.

"Ash- Ashtoooon." He moans. Moans.

As soon as the 'n' rolls off his tongue, my body jolts and a hot liquid covers myself.

The tape ends.

I just stay there. Eventually, the liquid hardens. I ignore it, not moving an inch.

I'm not gay. I'm not.