Obsessed with a Vampire Romance (Parody)

Pepper Spray

I ran home as fast as my legs would carry me- screaming at the top of my lungs.

“AAAHHHHHAAAAHAHAHHHH!!!!!!!!” What would I do? Where would I go? My mind was racing like a racecar. Vroom vroom! For a second there I actually thought I was a racecar, and found myself with my arms up on an imaginary steering wheel, making acceleration noises.

I screeched my imaginary car to a stop and looked around.  It seemed dangerously ominous that night. The shadows in the back alleys were menacing. The flutter of bats in the night was menacing. The dandelions were menacing. But there was one thing that was the most menacing of all. It was the most evil, demonic creature, the chipmunk. Sitting there. Just sitting there. STARING at me. With its beady evil little eyes of the devil!

I stared him down until he couldn’t handle my death glare any longer and he scurried away. He pranced through the night. “That’s right, chipmunk. Prance with fear. Not even you can handle my death glare… of DEATH.” I suddenly remembered my situation. I was being chased- BY VAMPIRES… OF DEATH.

A hand suddenly touched my shoulder and I whipped around, instinctively pulling out the pepper spray from my pocket and spraying my attacker in the face. “NOT EVEN VAMPIRES CAN WITHSTAND PEPPER SPRAY!” I yelled and ran away once again.

It was peppers that repelled vampires, right? I heard the vampire moaning in pain as I ran. I smirked, proud of my quick reaction. I was always the best pepper spray sprayer in my pepper spray safety class at the recreation center. I was just that cool.

I know what you are thinking, because you are so interested in my life. Don’t be embarrassed, everyone is. You’re wondering how a clumsy, beautiful, smart, girl like me gets into a situation like this. A situation, with vampires.

Well it all started when this extremely hot guy named Paulo transferred to our school. He was so attractive with his golden hair and piercing green eyes. He was very pale and was always wearing a hoodie, which I figured meant he was cold. From reading my teen-vampire-romance novels, which are clearly nonfiction, I put two and two together. 2+2=VAMPIRE. Paulo was so obviously protective of me. He was ALWAYS staring at me- well mostly after I would follow him everywhere he went, poking him and running away, but that is besides the point. When I asked Paulo why he was always watching me, he responded with these words. I will never forget them, “Hey aren’t you that girl that stalks me? Rebecca, right? PLEASE leave me alone. It’s starting to scare my friends… and me. Okay? Thanks, bye forever!” He had such a way with words. I knew the true meaning behind this was- I’m a vampire that will love you forever!

With his words tattooed to my mind, I couldn’t let him go, because he was my soul mate, and also because the tattoo of those words on my forehead was permanent. So it was this afternoon I followed him home for the first time, after letting him admire me from afar for a day. Although I knew Paulo was a vampire, I followed him regardless. I knew his love meant that he wanted me to follow him home through the bushes even though it would put me in danger of his vampire family.

When we finally reached his house I revealed myself and I knew immediately my mistake. His family of vampires was hungrily awaiting my blood. Ever since that moment, six hours ago, I’ve been running frantically away in love. I mean, even though I ran down the whole 30 foot driveway in fear that they’d eat me, and they were still staring at me from the same place, I knew they were going to run after me to kill me eventually. Paulo was probably holding them back, but they'd soon free themselves and try to kill me.

And that’s how I got to where I am now. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Paulo’s family, besides the one I sprayed with pepper spray, since they were standing still in the driveway. I can still remember their facial expressions. That wide-eyed, confused expression. It was an expression of bloodthirst.

I looked back to see if I had lost them. No person in sight. Except for the vampire cringing in pain on the ground. I decided to walk back to the vampire for no particular reason. I looked down on him and gasped. This was not a vampire. The man looked up at me and said, “You! Why did you do this to me? My face burns!”

I was in shock, “I’m so sorry, sir! Are you alright?” I gripped his hand and tears streamed down my face. The vampire I sprayed must have gotten a hold of this man, then bit him in the face and escaped!

“I’m not the vampire that bit you. Where did the vampire go? I will avenge your life sir, if it’s the last thing I do!”

“What? Vampires? What are you talking about? You just sprayed me wi-“ I cut him off.

“Don’t speak, sir! You’ll just open the wound more! Where did he bite your face? Maybe I can suck out the venom!” He started to get up into a sitting position.

“Ma’am are you mentally ill? I think we need to bring you to an asylum of some sort.” I pushed him back down onto the concrete.

“Sir! Do not try to get up! You’ll just die faster!” A tear rolled out of the corner of my eye.

“Ow! I am not going to die, you just sprayed pepper spray on-“

“That vampire! I know! And even so, he got away! Sir, I’m so sorry. You might turn into a vampire, or you might die. It’s all my fault, if I hadn’t ran he could’ve killed me instead of you!” He stood up again.

“Hey what’s that tattoo say on your fore-“

“And I can’t kill him! He’s my boyfriend’s family!” I said as I pushed him to the concrete again. “Stay down! You’re only killing yourself faster when you stand!”

The man jumped to his feet and ran in the opposite direction very fast. If he could run again he was not dead! That meant he had become a vampire.

I turned around and walked home slowly. My whole world was spinning. It was as if I was in a movie with those crazy camera angles and depressing rock music while walking through a heavy rainfall alone. Except the last time that happened, the director told me it was a closed set and called security.

My heart was fixed on Paulo. What could I do to be with him… if his family wanted me dead?