Obsessed with a Vampire Romance (Parody)

Animals in the Forest

RECAP:

Walking towards the door, I hesitated as I placed my hand on the doorknob. I looked back at his face, his mouth gaping still in incredulity. "Remember to call me before eleven years go by this time, or I might already be married to a vampire when you feel like confessing your feelings, jerk." I said and slammed the door shut. The slam was so loud that all the evil squirrels heard it and turned to look at me. The bloodthirsty squirrels hypnotized me to stand still and started charging towards me. 

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Their piercing glare was too much for me to break through. I could not move a muscle and evil squirrels were coming to kill me! I noticed an acorn fall off a tree not too far in the distance. The squirrels became distracted for a moment so I took the time to get the heck out of there.

I took off into the forest. I just ran as fast as my legs would carry me without collapsing. I realized that the way home was not through the forest so I stopped in a clearing. I looked left and right for the way out of the forest. There were no squirrels to stop me, except for the one that approached me slowly. He had me locked in his glare again and I couldn’t escape. Even if I could move, the squirrel would be too fast for me. If I had moved a single muscle he would have lunged for me and ripped apart my flesh.

The squirrel neared even closer. I sure hoped it didn’t have rabies or something! The squirrel was approaching me now, becoming so close I could feel its warm, squirrely breath on my ankle. Just when I thought all hope was lost, a huge bear romped through the forest into the clearing.

“Yay! I’m saved!” I exclaimed in pure relief. The squirrel BACKED OFF and scurried away. I looked back to the bear that saved my life. I had to thank him somehow!

Figuring that the bear was actually Byron that was probably a were-bear, I ran to the bear to give him a hug. Byron was still romping in my direction so I stood waiting for him to hug me. The bear had this red glint in his eye. Usually I would have perceived this as an angry expression, but since my vampire BF had strange ways of expressing his love for me, I knew that this angry glint must mean he’s really happy to see me.

The bear charged toward me and I outstretched my arms to give Byron a warm welcome. I shut my eyes waiting for the warm bear hug, when suddenly something grabbed me by the stomach and pulled me backwards.

Not expecting the blow to my stomach I snapped my eyes open to see the bear running at me still, but I was moving backwards. I looked around to see Paulo holding me over his shoulder, running away from Byron.

“Paulo! What are you doing here?” I exclaimed, sounding annoyed, though I was actually proud of a boyfriend that was jealous for me.

“Why are you waiting to be mauled by a bear!” was his response. I suddenly knew why he was here.

“Paulo, I know we’re, like, going out and stuff but I can also hang out with my best friend, Byron!”

“Byron? What? You’re being attacked by a frickin’ bear!” Paulo was still hoisting me over his shoulder, running from the bear at a surprisingly fast speed, considering I weighed about 120 pounds and he was a skinny guy that probably weighed less. Then I remembered it was normal because he was a super strong vampire.

“Paulo, let me down! I get it! Vampires and Were-Bears are immortal enemies! But don’t you have, like, a treaty or something?” I pounded on his back to let me go.

“Oof! Stop hitting me! Now shut up or I’ll drop you and let the bear get you!”

“DUH! That’s what I want!” I didn’t think my boyfriend would actually let me go see my best friend so easily without reluctance, but surprisingly he dropped me right there so I could see Byron.

I pushed myself off the ground and dusted off my shirt. “That’s better.” I stated clearly. Paulo stood right next to me, probably supervising so he didn’t get jealous when he left. “Paulo, I need to talk to Byron about the vampire squirrel, okay?”

I didn’t wait for his answer, but instead I ran off to find Byron or him in his bear form. “Byron!” I shouted multiple times but I couldn’t find him. I finally decided to go back to Paulo and go home with him because Byron was nowhere to be found. I quickly got back to the place I had left Paulo, but it was not what I was expecting to find.

Paulo was on the ground, Byron in his bear-form attacking him, and the vampire squirrel trying to eat both of them. 

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Author's Note:

Hope everyone reading is enjoying! Is it funny? Could it be more humorous or am I doing okay? IDK but anyway I'm thinking of making another parody. So if you have any suggestions of something you want parodied really bad then message me, I'm open to suggestions!

Now I'm gonna go eat dinner. :)

-LaughingSocks711