Random Countryhumans Comedy Stuff(Rewriting)

Lie Detector

The cold steel chair pressed against Canada’s back as he slowly opened his eyes. The fluorescent light above flickered, casting a harsh glare across the dim room.

“Buenos Dias, Doctor Canada,” Colombia greeted him, sitting calmly on the other side of the table with an unsettling smirk.

Canada blinked, still disoriented. “Wha–what’s going on? Where am I?”

Colombia waved a hand dismissively. “Never mind that. But if you ever want to go home again, you’ll answer a few questions.”

“Questions?” Canada stammered, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t know anything…”

A loud buzz sounded, and Canada flinched, glancing at the strange device beside him.

“… I–is that a lie detector?”

Colombia leaned forward with a smug look. “Si. And I assume you know how it works?”

“Yes.” Buzz.

“Kinda.” Buzz.

“Okay, I think I get it now,” Canada mumbled, cheeks turning red.

Colombia pressed on. “But why you? You’re just a–” he paused for effect, “therapist, yes? Apparently, one of your clients has shared some privileged information.”

Canada swallowed hard. “What? No!” Buzz.

“… Okay, yeah, well, Japan Tokyo once used her boss's toupee to clean up some mustard in the break room…”

Colombia raised an eyebrow, clearly perplexed.

“On… accident,” Canada added with a weak smile. Buzz.

Canada sighed, “I’m sorry, Japan.” Buzz.

Growing frustrated, Colombia pressed his hands on the table. “DID THE USA SMUGGLE HIMSELF INTO VENEZUELA THREE MONTHS AGO?”

Canada froze, his eyes wide. The silence stretched… until buzz.

Colombia’s eyes narrowed. “Were you thinking about lying to me?”

Canada replied quickly, “No.” Buzz.

“Alright,” Colombia sighed, “answer the question!”

“I… I can’t.” Buzz. “I won’t.” Buzz. “Well, I shouldn’t, so ha! I’m just gonna zip my mouth because I don’t like lying—” Buzz. “—about clients!” Buzz. “To strangers.” Buzz.

“So, there’s this thing called doctor-patient confidentiality, and I never break it—” Buzz. “INTENTIONALLY!” Buzz. “OKAY, FINE! I tell my dog everything, and sometimes the people at PetSmart overhear; it’s not a crime!” Buzz.

“IT’S A HUGE CRIME, I KNEW THAT!” Canada blurted, face flushing.

Colombia took out his gun, leveling it at Canada. “Did the United States of America smuggle himself into Venezuela?”

Canada paled. “Please, don’t shoot me! I have a family!” Buzz. He groaned. “Okay, fine—I’m single, but I still have a lot to live for!” Buzz.

“This is just depressing,” Canada mumbled.

Colombia’s voice cut through his thoughts. “You have until the count of five to answer the question.”

“Five!”

Canada sat up, panicked. “OKAY, I’LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH!” Buzz. “Well, that didn’t work…”

“Four!”

Canada babbled, “Maybe America did not not not go to Venezuela and maybe did not, not, not… Not?” Buzz.

“Three!”

Canada looked at the lie detector in desperation. “UGH! WHY CAN’T I OUTSMART YOU? I AM A DOCTOR!” Buzz.

“I HAVE A LICENSE!” Buzz.

“YES, I KNEW YOU WOULD BUZZ THAT TIME!” Canada shouted in defiance.

“Two!”

Canada’s heart pounded. “UGH!”

“One!”

“OKAY, I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!” Canada shouted, defeated. “He went to Venezuela, planted some spy equipment, and met a great girl named Ecuador. She’s blonde and—” Buzz. “Brunette. I don’t know why I lied,” he admitted, voice barely a whisper.

Colombia straightened, a satisfied smirk on his face. “Thanks for your help, Doctor, but I’m afraid this is goodbye.”

Canada’s eyes widened. “WHAT? NO!”

Suddenly, a shadow moved from the corner of the room. Thud! Colombia collapsed to the floor as America stepped forward, grinning.

“Canada?”

“America?” Canada gasped, still strapped to the chair.

With one swift motion, America knocked out Colombia and began untying Canada. “Sorry you got wrapped up in this. You… didn’t tell him about Venezuela, did you?”

Canada’s eyes darted to the lie detector. “What? Uh, nope.” Buzz.

Canada looked down at the lie detector, exasperated. “… Clearly, I don’t know how this thing works.”

America patted him on the back with a chuckle as they prepared to make their escape.