Self love

Chapter 16

Late night blues.

That's what I like to call it. You know late at night when you find yourself listening to sappy love songs, stalking couples, watching relationship goals videos, reminiscing on your ex and stuffing your face with comfort food.

It felt as if each time I took a step forward I took a few back. I always went back to thinking about David. My heart felt like it had broken into a million more pieces a few hours ago when I saw a picture of David and Josephine together on instagram.

They looked so happy together. Josephine was laughing, her smile brightening the picture. David had his hands wrapped tightly around her waist as he stared down at her lovingly.

The caption read : My life is now complete

The feeling I experienced when I read it was almost similar to the pain I felt the day when I found them together at school. I had no more tears left so I sat there shaking as my body cried in pain.

It definitely wasn't the healthiest thing to be doing at the moment but hey its life, sometimes we do dumb shit, as a matter of fact most of the time we do dumb shit. I don't know about you but I do a lot of dumb shit.

I shouldn't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself but I was. I shouldn't be crying and feeling pain over something that happened already. Its passed and gone so why am I still here feeling shitty.

"Just great" I yelled frustrated while stuffing more cookies 'n' crème ice-cream into my mouth. I just currently finished my third wattpad book since night.

SO basically this girl comes from an abusive background and gets dumped by her ex-boyfriend and she's all broken and of course I'm somewhat relating to her then she meets another guy who takes away all her pain and he's all perfect and they fall in love. Blah blah blah.

Rolling my eyes I reach for another snicker chocolate bar and start looking for a movie to watch.

This is pathetic I say an hour later when I can't bear to finish watching the romance movie. Everything is always about love. Falling for a guy and having him save you or vice versa. This is only making me feel worse about losing the love of life, it's not helping at all.

Where's the self-empowerment book? Or where is a self-empowerment movie when I need one?

Frustrated I open Google and type 'how to get over a break up' don't judge me. I've seriously had enough. Tonight is the last night I cry over loosing David, mark my words.

Clicking on the first link I see I begin to read.

Breakups can be so hard, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. The loss of your relationship can bring on intense heartache and stress (you're telling me). But if you're looking for some help getting through it and want some suggestions about how to make it a little easier, read on

1) Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. (I think I've been doing enough thinking about the break up. Overthinking is what has me feeling depressed all over again so let's skip this step.

2) Don't rethink your decision. (Technically it wasn't even my decision but ok whatever. Skip.)

3) Keep your space (well he was avoiding me for over a month soooooo. Skip.)

4) Talk to your friends (yea so I already kind of screwed up things with my best friend already.)

You know what this really isn't helping. Opening the pinterest app on my phone I begin to scroll down.

That's when I saw it.

The quote that changed everything.

 The quote that brought me back to reality.

'And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy,

Maybe it's you on your own,

Picking up the pieces and starting over,

Freeing youself up for something better in the future.

Maybe the happy ending is just moving on by yourself.'

That's was my wake up call. It took me a minute to process the quote but when it finally sunk in everything started making sense.

I was just like those other girls, yea Jake and I weren't together romantically but I basically depending on him to 'fix me' I was depending on him to pick up the pieces for me.

"I need him.... I'm nothing without him ....."

Those were the words that had come out of my mouth a few weeks ago. Why do I need him? He doesn't need me.

I don't need him, because people leave all the time and at the end of the day all you have is yourself and that has to be enough.

That was it all along.

 I finally fit the hammer on the nail.

All this time I wasted, I spent three years loving somebody when I never even took the time out to love myself. I was so unhappy with myself all along when I should have been taking the time out to appreciate myself.

Finding Jakes name in my phone I quickly send him a message despite it being late

"Thanks for everything but don't try to help me anymore I have to do this by myself"

I needed to do this I had to do this for myself. It was the only way.

I had to change.

I had to find myself.

I had to find self-love.

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Short update but here it finally is. The wakeup call. Not sure If I'm entirely happy with it but whatever.