A Taste Of Oblivion : The Short Comings Chronicles VOL1

MOTHER, HEAR MY HEART BEAT

"Mom I have something to say..."

I entered the living room where she was preparing super. My father was at war, fighting constant never ending battles of financial struggle and ignorance that said he thought we never knew what he did when he was away or saw him coming home late with a different perfume and a different excuse, leaving us to bask in the ambiance of his distant and distant and distant and distant love, it was like he was a fading picture painted in the bacground in a Da Vinci painting that too would be forgotten in the end of time. He wasn't always like this, always away and so distant and unavailable, he wasn't always lying and saying it was work, he wasn't always hiding his emotions behind a fake smile and lips that probably kissed more than they should have but he was the man I wanted to be, kind and loving, respectable and respecting, he was alwags the joy of the house making my mother smile, takein her out, singing out of tune and being love birds that made any teenager son sick. They had a timeless love, a love so strong it was gross, a classic record but even those aren't forever right?

Today was the day I finally wanted to come out, I felt like I had to and constantly bottling this up wasn't good for me, it was like a bug eating my heart till it'd drop when someone even mentioned what I was. I felt like a thief, constantly stealing my own joy, it was like being happy was a crime as I'd be on the look out for my parents. When I was out with my friends every car I saw looked like my father's or my mother's cause my consciousness wasn't at ease, not even one bit. I felt happy though but only for a limited time as I'd be on top of the world as myself, my authentic real self no worries at all only to fall the next minute, fall so hard that I wanna hide forever and ever but I always had my mother to comfort me even though she never knew what was wrong. She'd never ask but be there with open arms and I hope today she had an open heart,

"Well I'm all ears," she said as she sat down, a smile taking her features, my mother was the most beautiful being I had ever saw, she had brown eyes, the brown that was almost as if it was black but had the ability to change colour to a light brown with gold specks when she's happy and to a dull pale brown when she's sad. She had a thick afro that she spent hours and hours and hours combing to perfection as it sat surrounding her whole head, she was built like a porcelain doll as God took her dear time designing the curves and surves and heart that made this woman. She was dawned with olive brown to chocolate skin that always stayed moisturized with her secret gem Vaseline and a face that had no zits, pimples or creases, in my eyes she was flawless, and even though she tried to hide the fact that she cries every night over my father made me sick cause she had circles under her eyes but they still made her a beautiful woman. I almost chickened out and placed myself in the oven to roast over and over and over again with 320° degree thoughts that kept me tossing and turning every night like the said chicken during a braai but the moment I saw her encouraging eyes and soft smile I blurted it out,

"I'm straight,"

It was fast like lighting and quick like sound I didn't even hear myself say it but I tasted the words. The alphabets had left a bitter but reassuring after taste, I'd have convinced myself that I didn't say anything but then I looled at her face as her soft face took on new features and like the ice glaciers I watched as her smile slowly fell and I began to feel the heats of global warming as my forehead started to sweat, coming out was hard, coming out was terrifying, coming out was painful as I felt the silence suffocating me, making me feel smaller and smaller and smaller as if I was in a room with no windows but walls that shrank with every passing minute, I watched as the person who raised me for a decade and nine years take a step to the kitchen and left me to the monsters called my thoughts,

Insecurities had taken over and made a meeting with my heart, my mind was working over time, it was on over drive, cranking and punching out various thoughts, I was overthinking.

Is she going to leave me?

Am I going to lose my one and only home?

Does she still love?

Will she hate me now?

Will she think I'm no longer man enough and see me different than I ever was?

Why is she silent, I'd bear it more if she'd speak cause this hurts more than ever.

And I close my eyes as one tear falls from my left eye down my cheek as I feel her lingering kiss she left 4 weeks ago when I was down and just like that the gates were open as more tears fell down my face but then, I feel two slender arms wrap themselves aroud my slim torso and whisper in my ear,

"I love you, you're my son and that'll never change,"

I turn around to smile at her but only to see nothing but the four bare walls of my room, I spaced out again but this time was better than the time I saw myself getting kicked out, I sigh and open my door, take two and three deep breaths,

"Mom, I have something to tell you..."

Fin