Beating Heart// Lashton

Chapter 21

Tell me, why's god got it out for you?

Is he bored up there? Is his ego bruised?

Like, no way I'll be leaving you until we laugh again like we used to do

I'll stay here until you make it through, and there's no more nights in this ICU

Give me the suffering, shuddering, thundering pain

Take my visions, love, lungs away

Tell me, how long until the bitter end?

Until he takes you home? Until he walks you in?

Praying those eyes open again

Screaming "take me now, let me die instead"

-Live Again by Grayscale

Luke's POV

"Ms. Irwin," the doctor said as he approached Anne Marie, "Ashton is awake and he wants to see you," he was smiling. I guess it's not often that a dire situation where it looks like someone won't pull through occurs and the doctor actually gets to say that he is awake.

Anne Marie put her hand over her mouth, "Oh my God, thank you!" she cheered before instinctively hugging the doctor. He looked awkward, again, he's probably not used to this.

I stood up, "Can I see him too?"

The doctor looked at me with a sad look, "He wants to see his mum."

"Oh," I sat back down. He didn't ask for me? Maybe even worse, he told them to not let me back. I mean, I guess it's what I deserve but I need to see him and apologize and tell him I'll never leave him again. 

Anne Marie followed the doctor through the doors. I'm glad she can see him. I'm glad he woke up, that's an understatement. I just feel sad that he doesn't want to see me. I guess my face gave me away because Nia dropped out of the excitement that Ashton was okay and sat down with me.

"He's just getting back on his feet, he'll probably want to see you later.

"Nia, I did this to him, he doesn't want to see me ever!"

"Hey, you didn't do this to him. This has been going on for a while. And if you think you could have stopped it, the truth is that any of us could have. Don't blame yourself for this. He's probably hurt, under the impression that you don't care about him at all, but once he knows the full picture, I know he'll forgive you."

"You think so?"

Nia nodded.

I clasped my hands together, "I'll wait however long it takes for him to let me show how much I care about him."

"See, that in itself proves that you are there for him."

Nia patted me on the shoulder before getting back up to join the boys. I continued staring at the tiles on the floor, thinking about how I'll give him everything he ever needs. 

--

Anne Marie came back out to the waiting room. I immediately stood up for her, eyes pleading for good news.

"How is he?" I asked.

"He's hanging in there," she said. "He wants to see you," and joy flooded over me until I realized she was talking to Nia. That's reasonable, Nia's his best friend and I hurt him.

"Thank you," she said and hugged Anne Marie before rushing off through the door to Ashton.

I was happy for her.

Nia's POV

 I knocked on the door before walking in.

"Ash?" I called out as I walked into the room. 

There he was, sat up in the hospital bed. His arms were wrapped up with white bandages and his blanket was pulled all the way up his chest, as if he's trying to hide himself.

In all honesty, he looked like hell. I never really realized how big the circles under his eyes were, or how dark. He was sickly, not only was he pale as a ghost, but he was just skin and bones. I knew he was small, I saw what he was doing to himself, but I didn't ever truly notice how sickly he looked. He wasn't just thin, he was scary to look at. I saw him, and I saw death. He was on the verge of falling off the cliff. He could easily pass the point of no return. I wanted to cry just looking at him but I knew that wouldn't help him in this moment.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"I love you," I blurted out. I'm not sure I tell him that enough. I need him to know in this moment.

"I love you too," he said, offering a small smile.

"Can I sit?" I asked, pointing to the edge of his bed.

He nodded, so I sat down.

Silence stood between us, until I couldn't hold it back any longer. 

"Why?"

He looked at me with confusion before the pieces fit together.

"I don't know," was all he said and he shifted his gaze to the clock by the door.

I waited, hoping he'd give a real answer, but nothing.

"Luke blames himself."

"It wasn't just him. It was everything, it just all bottled up. I've thought about doing this for a while."

My heart broke, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want help, or didn't know how to accept help."

I nodded. I knew that about him.

"So how does Luke fit in?" I asked. I guess I'm wondering how much Luke blaming himself is valid.

"He acted like he cared, but he didn't. He ended it with a text, not even a phone call. No one wants me."

"Ash, that's not true. He cares. He cares so much, you just don't know the full picture," I told him.

"And you do?"

"Yes, and it's his job to explain. But just, please hear him out. I know you're hurt, but don't for a second think he doesn't care."

"What if I don't care?" He asked after a moment of silence.

"But you do."