Beating Heart// Lashton

Chapter 22

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted

I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

-Amnesia by 5SOS

Luke's POV

Nia walked back towards us. Like I did for Anne Marie, I stood up with eagerness bright in my eyes.

"So?"

"He's meeting with the psychiatrist."

"And?"

"And he needs time," she said with a bit of exhaustion.

She didn't name what he needed time on, but I knew that it was that he didn't want to see me. I wonder if Nia fought for me, or if she hates me too. I mean, I hate me for letting this happen. 

"Luke, he's okay," Nia was upclose now, her hands bracing my shoulders. I only then realized I was full on sobbing. Ashton is okay, he's alive, he's going to get better. I'm fully realizing now that I didn't lose the best person I've ever had in my life. I didn't lose him. Even if I might have lost him in another sense...

With a group effort, I calmed down after a bit. 

"I'm hungry," Michael announced. 

"Me too," Nia agreed.

"Same," Calum said.

"What about I make you guys dinner, back at home? I know Ashton will want us to take care of ourselves," Anne Marie suggested.

"I think that sounds great, I'll help!" Nia insisted.

Everyone started to get their things but I just sat and watched them.

"Luke, mate, you comin'?" Calum asked.

I shook my head, not having any energy to form words.

"No offense, mate, but you really need a shower," he said with a little laugh at the end. The jab went unacknowledged.

I shrugged my shoulders.

Anne Marie came over and crouched infront of me. She took one of my hands. "Honey, you have to take care of yourself. He's awake, he's okay, we'll see him tomorrow."

"What if he asks for me while we're gone, and I prove that I can't be there for him?" A single tear dripped ddown my cheek and I quickly wiped it away.

"He needs rest, too. I think tomorrow would be a better time to talk to him."

I nodded, that was reasonable. "Okay," I said barely above a whisper. She stood up and I followed suit. 

We left the waiting room, but as we exited the doors, I looked back and felt this strong sense of being lost. 

---

We had pasta for dinner. I didn't even notice the taste, I was just eating for nourishment. There was conversation, but I was not a part of it. My mind was elsewhere, my heart was with Ashton. I hoped he ate dinner too, even if it was shitty hospital food. I know he probably didn't, but there was hope and that's all I could hang onto.

After dinner, Calum reminded me that I "desperately" needed a shower. I didn't personally care, but I knew he was worried about me and if I could take care of myself in the slightest it would make them all ease up a bit. So I went upstairs and started getting ready for a shower. Anne Marie told me I could use whatever was in the shower, and I could borrow some of Ashton's clothes. I needed Ashton, and the closest I'd get to having him would be wearing his hoodie.

I went into the bathroom, and immediately remembered that this is where Ashton almost died. It was cleaned up by a professional team, so no longer were the floors covered in blood, but the eerie feeling was there and sadness flooded over me. I sat down on the closed toilet, putting my head beneath my knees. I stayed like that for a while, before I finally decided I needed to get in the shower and out of here as soon as I possibly could.

While in the shower I hummed a random tune and at some point added the lyric "I wish I could wake up with Amnesia." Mental note to revisit that for a possible song. 

--

There was no way in hell that I was going back to my home. If I did, I'm sure I would have committed double homicide. 

Anne Marie understood the situation, so she let me sleep on the couch. I didn't want to be left alone though, so Michael and Calum asked to stay the night as well and she thankfully accepted the request. Nia decided to go home, needing to be comforted by family. So it was just us boys in the living room, while Anne Marie slept up in her room. I ended up cuddling with Calum on the couch, however, I longed to have Ashton in my arms. Being wrapped in his hoodie, his scent, wasn't good enough to fight off the longing.

I fell asleep thinking of Ashton.

"Ashton?" I shouted as I banged on the door. I noticed that blood was seeping out into the hallway like a river of red. Then I threw my body into the door over and over until it begrudingly allowed access. Immediately I was faced with a horrid crime scene.

Blood pooled around my ankles, but my shoes were the least of my worries. Ashton was laid against the bathtub, wrists slit open and the river of blood can be traced to each and every cut.

He was pale as a ghost. He looked me dead in the eyes. He asked: "Why?"

And that's when I woke up screaming and crying while Michael held my shoulders. It took me a second to realize he was modelling breathing calmly, he was attempting to bring me down from this nightmare induced panic attack. He has always been the best when it came to calming me down from a panic attack. I started coppying him and soon my heart was no longer fighting to get out of my chest.

"I need to see Ashton," I stated weakly with utter desperation.

"Tomorrow," Michael assured.

I nodded. The exhaustion took over and I laid back down. Calum once again laid back down, this time as the big spoon and held me close. I needed this.

I fell asleep with these questions in mind:

Why?

Why did Ashton do this?

Why did I do this to him?

Why didn't I save him?